Make Money Your Boyfriend: Building an Intimate Relationship with your Money

Jun 3

In order to grow your wealth, you have to get comfortable with money – earning it, investing it, managing it and growing it. Many of us have unconscious relationships with money that impact our financial well-being without us even realizing it.

I like to analogize our relationship with money to a relationship with a significant other. If you want to have a fulfilling marriage, partnership or relationship with a human, you would need to tend to that relationship with care. To build a healthy relationship, you would need to spend time with this person by going on dates, becoming interested in how they think and operate in the world, you would care about their perspective and you would make sure that the relationship was reciprocal.

Unfortunately, many people’s relationship with money consists of just complaining when they don’t have enough. I hear of many people resenting money, and the hard work they have to do to earn it, and yet when they have it, they spend it mindlessly, without care. They often neglect their money by not taking the time to build a spending and investing plan, ignoring overdue bills and never reviewing their expenses.

If you neglected your partner, complained about them constantly, resented them and never spent any time with them, how healthy would that relationship be?

Similarly to the attachment styles in relationships, (anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or secure attachment,) I see many people following the same patterns with their money. A secure relationship style is the most ideal – so let’s explore your habits with money and see if you exhibit anxious or avoidant tendencies, and how we can get you to a secure attachment with your money.

Why Do You Need a Relationship with Money?

Everyone has a relationship with money, whether they're aware of it or not. Avoiding bank statements, and swiping your credit card without knowing if you can afford an item are examples that showcase avoidant money styles. Feeling anxious about debt or money in general, or being overly obsessed with saving are all anxious attachment styles with money.

What is Money?

Money is often misunderstood. It is inherently neutral, neither good nor bad. Money is simply a tool, a resource we use to exchange for goods and services. The emotions and meanings we attach to money are what shape our relationship with it. Recognizing this neutrality can help us view money objectively, reducing fear, avoidance and anxiety associated with it, resulting in a secure relationship with money.

To Improve Your Relationship with Money, Change Your Dialogue

The first step in improving your relationship with money is to change how you talk about it. Imagine you’re hoping to find a new partner by dating. If you constantly tell yourself that there are no good partners in your city, “all men are dogs,” and that dating is terrible, you will convince yourself that is the truth. That internal dialogue will color your experience in the dating world. Our brains hate to be wrong, so you may fall victim to confirmation bias, which means that you will only pay attention to the negative aspects of dating to confirm your belief. You may not even register a positive experience or person in your dating journey when you have this mindset! And with this mindset, you'll likely continue to attract unsatisfactory relationships that confirm your mindset.

The same goes for money. Negative thoughts or talk about money can reinforce a scarcity mindset. For example, have you ever said, “all rich people are evil!” If you think that, say that and believe that…. Why would your brain ever want you to become wealthy!? If you say “money is hard to come by,” you might ignore easier ways to build your wealth.

Start by using positive affirmations. Statements like “I am capable of earning more money,” “I have the resources I need,” or “I am worthy of financial success” can shift your mindset. This isn't about unrealistic mantras but about fostering a positive, confident attitude towards your financial capabilities.

In addition, let’s start talking about money more! This topic used to be taboo. But where you attention goes, your energy flows. Listening to positive financial mindset podcasts like Old Money can help you shift out of negative thought patterns while educating you on financial topics so you have more confidence to take action in earning, investing or saving money.

To Improve Your Relationship with Money, Respect the Details

Just as you would dress up and prepare meticulously for a date, you should pay attention to the details of your financial life. This involves treating your money with respect.

Organize Your Wallet: Show your money respect and keep your wallet neat. Arrange your bills properly, remove unnecessary receipts, and ensure your cards are in order. Respecting the physical aspects of your money reflects a respectful attitude towards your finances.
Monitor Your Subscriptions and Expenses: Regularly review and manage your subscriptions and expenses. Ensure you are not wasting money on services you no longer use. You should be spending time reviewing your charges each month (see Date Your Money, below.)
Declutter Your Finances: Just like cleaning your closet, declutter your financial life. Simplify and organize your investments, savings, and expenses. This clarity can lead to better financial decisions. Overly complicated systems often prevent us from taking proactive steps in managing our money.
Freeze your your Credit Cards: Literally. Only spend what you have, not what you think you will get. If you have a habit of overspending or unconsciously spending, I suggest taking your credit cards out of your wallet putting them into a zip lock bag full of water in the freezer. This will physically and energetically freeze your credit. If you cannot control your spending, you should not be using credit cards! If needed for an emergency, you can break the ice with a hammer to get them out. This prevented prevent impulsive use.

To Improve Your Relationship with Money, Date Your Money

Developing a healthy relationship with money requires regular attention, just like dating. Schedule regular "money dates" where you spend time reviewing and planning your finances. Here's how to do it:

Set a Regular Schedule: Choose a consistent time, such as once a week or once a month, to sit down and review your financial situation. Use this time to check your spending, savings, investments, and debts.
Prime Yourself for Success: A quick meditation to set your mindset before you go into this exercise can be helpful, especially if you have anxious or avoidant tendencies with money. A guided meditation is a great way to build confidence and envision how you want the future version of yourself to feel when you’re living your wealthiest life.
Create a Ritual: Make your money date enjoyable. Pour yourself a drink, light a candle, and turn off distractions. Approach it with a positive attitude, looking forward to understanding and improving your financial health.
Focus on Improvement: During your money date, identify areas for improvement. Whether it's reducing unnecessary expenses, planning for future investments, or setting new financial goals, use this time to make proactive decisions.

By changing your dialogue, respecting the details, and regularly dating your money, you can transform your financial relationship. This process not only enhances your financial well-being but also empowers you to achieve your financial goals with confidence.

Building a healthy relationship with money is an ongoing journey. By observing and reflecting on your dialogue, paying attention to the details, and committing to regular money dates, you can develop a positive and proactive approach to your finances. Treat money as a partner, respect it, spend time with it, and watch your financial well-being grow.