025. Change your Identity & Change your Life: How to Set Goals & Achieve Them

Lifestyle

Dec 12

Get ready to enter 2024 as the best version of yourself

Today, Amber shares personal anecdotes and insights on aligning your processes and habits with the person you want to become. You'll learn the biggest hacks for achieving your goals, like the snowball method and eliminating distractions that don't align with your dream life.

In today's episode, we cover the following:

Birdie and bogey (1:56)

Preparing for a successful year with long-term vision (12:08)

Amber's experience starting a habit-tracking app (14:58)

Tips for overcoming resistance (20:28)

The importance of having little wins (21:27)

Why changing your identity will allow you to achieve your goals (25:05)

How to use identity to your advantage and become aware of your internal dialogue (30:45)

What to consider when putting your identity together (36:43)

A writing exercise to become the best version of yourself (38:22)

A NOT to-do list (43:47)

Next steps and action items (47:29)

TRANSCRIPT

Amber F. (00:05)
Hey, rich girls. Welcome back to Old Money, the podcast for women building the trust fund they wish they were born with. I'm your host, Amber Frankhuizen. So happy that you're here with me today. This is maybe the most important episode that I've recorded yet.

Amber F. (00:20)
It is the thing that has changed my life the most significantly. I'm talking about financially, personally, in relationships, in love, in business, all the things. And it's something that I don't hear enough people talking about. And I think it's appropriate to talk about it now because it's nearing the end of the year. We're about to get to New Year's resolution time in January, and I want you and me to be successful with our goals this time.

Amber F. (00:47)
So I want to break down the biggest hack that I've learned about achieving goals when we set them. So we'll get to that for sure. And I have a couple of other hacks today as well. Talk about goal setting. I really look at December as like the prep month for the year to come.

Amber F. (01:03)
So I love December. I'm so in the Christmas vibe right now and kind of outlining my calendar for 2024. We're planning trips. We've got everything organized in the business, and it's a big time, obviously, for reflection as we look at where we've been for this last year. But then also I'm using this month to prep myself for the goals that I want to start achieving in January.

Amber F. (01:25)
And I think where a lot of people go wrong is January 1 strikes right, and people have these big, massive goals they're going to start achieving on the first day of the year, but they wake up hungover and exhausted and resentful to go back to work. It's just the worst vibe. So I feel like setting the standard for how to approach the new year. And the new month is really set in December, which is why I'm going to help you set up the most achievable goals to live your dream life. Get that trust fund, baby, and we'll go through it.

Amber F. (01:54)
But before we dive in, let's go over this week's birdie and bogey. Remember, if you don't play golf, it's okay. Neither do I. I'm just setting you up for the country club vocabulary that you're going to need. So you look good on the but in golf, a birdie is good.

Amber F. (02:07)
It's when you get one stroke under par and a bogey is bad. It's when you get one stroke over par. So this week we're going to go through the birdie of the week, the good thing, and the bogey of the week, the thing that really missed the mark, and for me, the birdie, was we got to go to Vegas again. And you're thinking, amber, Vegas is like, not old money. It's new money.

Amber F. (02:24)
It's gross, it's flashy. And you're right, it totally, totally is. However, we were visiting one of my dearest friends who had come out from the east coast with her boyfriend and friends, and I never get to see her. So it was an opportunity that I couldn't miss, so I wanted to spend some time with her. Unfortunately for us, the first day that we got there, Justin and I were both so sick.

Amber F. (02:43)
So we were in bed at 10:00 on a Friday night in Vegas, which is ironic, but we still had a great time. And speaking of the holiday vibes, it was just like Christmas music, and everything was decorated and vibey and great. And I think in the whole trip, I had a total of like four glasses of champagne. It was a very mellow trip, but we got to spend some time with friends, and Justin and I enjoyed each other and walking around and window shopping, all that kind of stuff was really fun. And we were there right after the formula one races, which are the bogey of this week.

Amber F. (03:17)
So, f one or formula one, for the uninitiated, is this incredible racing series. It's hugely popular worldwide. Think of it as the rich man's NASCAR, and it crushes everywhere. They have races all over the world, in Dubai, in Monaco, in Miami. And this was the first year in recent history that they've had it in Las Vegas.

Amber F. (03:38)
And so there's been a lot of conversation about all of the infrastructure in Las Vegas. They literally repaved the whole strip because they were actually racing down the strip in Las Vegas, which is so cool. It looked like a video game. I have to give it to them. But they had a lot of pushback from, a, the locals, and, B, Formula one fans.

Amber F. (03:56)
So, first and foremost, just to give you some context to Formula one and how much they dominate in the worldwide spectrum, they had revenues in 2022 of $2.5 billion, and that's been increasing every single year. And if you know my rant about online business coaches, you know that revenue is not a metric that we like to brag about. So are they profitable? Well, in this case, they have operating profit or operating income, which is a form of profit, and they had $173,000,000 in profit. So, yeah, they're definitely making a profit, and they have worldwide prestige.

Amber F. (04:28)
In fact, if you just watch the most recent episodes of Real Housewives of Miami, because, you know, I can't talk finance without bringing Bravo into it. You can see the fanfare of f one in Miami. It's very well executed there. There isn't so much infrastructure needed because they've done it there in the past. And Larsa and Lisa and Kiki, I think, all went on a huge, probably like 350 foot or bigger yacht to party.

Amber F. (04:51)
And they were saying, oh, my God, I'm so tired from all the f one parties. Because, as Lisa put it, it's all about being seen. It's not about the races. It's about the people that are at the races and the girls and the hookers and all the fun and all the fanfare around the race, that's what really draws the crowds. And people travel all over the world to go to Formula one.

Amber F. (05:10)
But what happened in Las Vegas was there was a lot of confusion around what was actually going to happen for the race. So, first of all, it was broadcast at 10:00 p.m. Pacific time. Again, it's in Nevada, so it was late at night, so the crowds very thin. Second of all, they really didn't have the right type of people that were really endorsing or going to it en masse.

Amber F. (05:33)
I would think for a new event like this, I really feel like their pr efforts fell flat. Now, I know a couple of people that my clients are friends with that did attend, that are big car people, and they did a lot. But I would really like to see more on social media of people attending, and I just didn't see that energy around it like you would see at, like, an art basel in Miami, where everybody's flocking there. I did not see the masses flocking to Las Vegas. There was a lot of conversation about ticket prices, and they were gouging ticket prices.

Amber F. (06:02)
Everything was so prohibitively expensive, and obviously, that really disallows people that are local from participating in it. So they actually put up this vinyl sheet so that you could not see off of those bridges, those pedestrian walkways in Las Vegas. So you couldn't even see if you were just trying to walk by and look and be a pedestrian that wasn't paying. You were just completely locked out. So I think there was a lot of pushback because of the traffic and the this and the that.

Amber F. (06:27)
And typically, I would say, like, okay, buckle up, buttercup. Like, you're bringing a ton of money to this town. But overall, it really didn't win, and I have the stats to prove it. So this was right before thanksgiving. And so just to give you some context, the Thanksgiving football game for the Cowboys, 144,000,000 people watched that game, okay?

Amber F. (06:45)
144,000,000 people watched the Cowboys game, which was not a good game on Thanksgiving. And in every given weekend, you're looking at like 100 million households that are turning on football. 100 million households. For the Formula one race in Las Vegas, it pulled 1.3 million viewers. That is pathetic in comparison to football numbers.

Amber F. (07:08)
I mean, there's no better franchise, there's no better organization, there's no better marketing than the NFL. Like, full stop. I think they do the best on fan engagement and all this stuff. They've been doing some weird shit recently with that, I don't know, industry plant of a Chargers fan, if you guys know what I'm talking about, let me know. Anyway.

Amber F. (07:27)
Of the 1.3 million viewers, I was one of them. Justin's dad is actually a huge Formula one fan and I actually really enjoy watching it, too. It's incredibly exciting. If you know anything about the teams and the cars and the way that they're all engineered, it's so fascinating to watch. And I really like spending time with Justin's family, his dad and his brother.

Amber F. (07:45)
And Justin and I all watched it together on Sunday morning after the races were live on Saturday night. And I loved watching it because of the marketing, because of the presentation, because of how it all works and seeing how the sausage is made. What I really noticed this week was the advertising perfection on everything. So first and foremost, the sponsorship situation on these guys'jumpsuits, what they wear when they're driving. I counted 24 logos per suit.

Amber F. (08:16)
And I'm talking about, like, above the belly button, because when they're getting interviewed as, like, a talking head, like, after the race, you can see 16 on the front, on the sleeves, on the neck, on the side of the neck. They've got the hats, they've got so many sponsors. Like, the money in this game is so gnarly. And then, just like, the integration of these brands, I kept seeing Duracell battery on one of the cars and it was like, so perfectly. It's just like a masterclass in studying brand standards and then executing that on a Formula One car.

Amber F. (08:44)
I said so many times, I'm so sorry. My point is, the branding was perfect. All of the sponsorships on the side rails of all of the streets above the start and stop line. I saw a ton of 0.0 alcohol for Heineken that was everywhere on this one, I also saw a new tequila brand that I had never heard of before called Vulcan Tequila. Turns out it was maybe acquired or started by LVMH.

Amber F. (09:11)
So they definitely have the market there. They have the eyeballs of the elite watching, and they are pouring so much money into advertising here. And then, of course, one of the teams is actually Red Bull. They have a car, they have a team in the race. And I've always been obsessed with Red Bull from a branding perspective, because they are the key.

Amber F. (09:30)
And this is the big marketing lesson for today. They never market their product, they always market their lifestyle, because those who drink Red Bull are adventurous, athletic, they're risk takers. They're doing these crazy stunts, all this type of stuff. They're sponsoring an f one team and they have such strong brand identity that, you know, the promise of Red Bull will give you wings to do whatever it is that you want to do. That's extreme.

Amber F. (09:57)
And speaking of extreme, this news story I've been saving to share with you guys, because the heir to the Red Bull Throne received his first dividend payout since inheriting this company from his father last year. So a dividend is something that you get when you own stock in a company. So there's lots of stocks that pay dividends. And so, as a shareholder, no matter how many shares you have, you'll get a dividend, which is a percentage of the profits. And this particular young man, who is now one of the world's youngest billionaire, received his dividend payout.

Amber F. (10:32)
And because he owns 49% of the company, he received 49% of last year's $1.6 billion profit, meaning that he got a total payout of $615,000,000. Interestingly enough, the dividend is the lowest it's been in three years. And most of Red Bull's profit as a company, the source of the shareholder payments came from sponsorship payments, which raked in $1 billion for the company. So isn't that interesting? It's not sales of the drink.

Amber F. (11:02)
I haven't seen anybody drinking a Red Bull in ages. I mean, I'm not like, I'm going into the club. I don't know if people are still ordering Red Bull vodkas. However, to this young man, Mazel. So happy for you.

Amber F. (11:14)
Anyway, to wrap it all up, Formula one in Vegas. I think it was a miss. It'll be interesting to see if they continue. I think they have to do two more in Las Vegas, but I really don't know that it has the cachet or the pool to really bring the crowds as they need. But time will tell and everybody's still watching football, so we'll see.

Amber F. (11:33)
But anyway, let's get into today's topic, which I'm really excited to talk to you about because like I said, december is my quiet month. It's my warm up month for next year. It's like all the practice that I need to get into place so that I can have a really successful year in 2024 or any year past. But I think it's really important to spend some time this month thinking, plotting, dreaming, really, like getting in line with your desires of what you want to achieve, not just next year, but in life. And that's one of the things I think is really interesting.

Amber F. (12:07)
Everybody's talking about short term goals, New Year's resolutions, things like that. And I really like to focus on the bigger picture. So who do I want to be in ten years time? So I'm not talking about 2024. I'm talking about 2034.

Amber F. (12:20)
And if I kind of allow myself to think a little bit bigger, dream a little bit bigger, put myself in the house that I'm going to be living in, put myself in the role I'm going to be in, put myself in the company that I'm going to be running, it really helps crystallize for me more quickly and more elevated version of myself so that I can. It's kind of that like, shoot for the stars, and if you miss. No, shoot for the moon. And if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars. What a terrible quote that just came to mind.

Amber F. (12:46)
But the point is this. It's like the bigger that you think, the farther that you can go. And Tony Robbins has this really interesting quote that I'll butcher right now. It's something along the lines of people overestimate what they can do in a year, but they underestimate what they can do in ten. And as we look back on the last twelve months of this year, I'd also challenge you or challenge myself for kind of a journaling exercise to think about where you were ten years ago.

Amber F. (13:10)
I mean, I'm 36 now. When I was 26, I know where I was living, who I was dating, the jobs that I was in, the friends that I had. And looking back in ten years time, I can definitely look at that version of myself with a lot of grace and compassion. She didn't have a lot of the skills that I have now as it relates to interpersonal relationships or the standards or the boundaries, all of the ways that I really compromised my standards or what I wanted for myself because I just didn't know any better. And I think that a lot of the growth that happens over a ten years time, it's quiet growth, right?

Amber F. (13:46)
It's the strength that we have in our convictions and ourselves and the things that we do to stand up for ourselves in the way that we work. And it's kind of like when you started a new job and you know nothing and then you've been there for a bunch of years and you run the place like, you know how it all works, it's the same as we age, right? So if I look back ten years and I'm like, wow, I barely recognize that version of myself. I can look forward ten years and think, wow, I'm not even going to recognize that version of myself. And so I think the first step as it relates to kind of goal setting and knowing where we're going is reflection and then dreaming.

Amber F. (14:20)
And so it's looking backwards, trusting in yourself that you know you will continue to grow and then allowing yourself to really dream about the biggest, best version of you. And there's a lot of talk about vision boards and people are putting mercedes and trips to can and all of their yachts and all these things on the vision boards. But my challenge to you would be what type of person do you want to be in ten years? And not talking about the possessions that you have or the circumstances of your life, but what type of person do you want to be? I'm going to come back to that in just a second, but I wanted to share something that's actually stuck with me over these years in such a meaningful way.

Amber F. (15:03)
And it was the fact that I actually started an app company many years ago when I had first left my corporate job in 2018, before I had really kind of gone 2ft into the agency, I was developing an app and the app development process was such a good learning situation for me. So I went through a couple of different startup incubators where I learned a ton about business and just like what an MVP is, which is a minimum viable product, how to do testing with your market for product, market fit, launching products, building technology, building apps, working with co founders, all the things. It was such an education and I was so grateful. I went through two different incubators, one of which was focus Group, F-O-K-C-U-S in San Diego. And they're so amazing.

Amber F. (15:48)
I think they're still running. If you are in the startup world and need a point in the right direction, I'd be happy to make an introduction. Please just reach out to me. And I also went through Y combinator startup school, which is not the same thing as their accelerator. A startup school is a program where you work with other startup founders and you work through basically their curriculum that they put their accelerator people through.

Amber F. (16:09)
So I learned a ton about tech, I learned a ton about startup world, and it really did set me up for a lot of success in my business. I digress. The reason I'm bringing this up is because the app was called the aligned app and it was basically a habit tracker, but it was a habit tracker that needed AI before AI existed. I'm being really fucking real with you. If that happened now, I would have that app.

Amber F.(16:30)
Or if I didn't have the agency now, I'd go like AI all day into habit tracking. Because for me, habit tracking and keeping track of things on a day to day basis, clicking a button, it wasn't working for me. I needed something more that was intuitive to me as a woman, especially looking at my cycle throughout the month and the energy levels that I have, I need different things on different days. So for me to have habit tracking app where I feel badly if I miss a streak of 14 days on day 15, it was actually really discouraging to me to, and it wasn't actually changing my habit behavior, it was just giving me another thing to work on. And in that time, since James clear book Atomic Habits has come out and we'll talk a little bit about that today and why you need a stimulus, the habit, and then a reward.

Amber F. (17:16)
And I was missing all those types of things. So I was trying to figure all of this out and figure out what was missing in this app. And one of the things that I did in developing an app, which if you're starting a business, any business, you should be doing this, which is interviewing your customer profile and really understanding them. And I think you should do 100 interviews before you launch a business. I really mean that.

Amber F. (17:38)
That is what's typical in the startup world. And so I conducted 100 phone calls. I conducted 100 phone calls. I put my information up in every Facebook group, I put it on Craigslist, I put it in all the startup networks that I was in. And I talked to 100 people over the course of three months.

Amber F. (17:55)
There were 20 minutes phone calls. I called people on the phone and I said, hey, my name is Amber. I'm trying to develop a hap about, I'm sorry, an app about habits. That's really hard to say. And I want to ask you about your habits and how you do things and what motivates you.

Amber F. (18:08)
So I was trying to get insight into how people worked about things. And the number one thing that came through was that people had a hard time having habits stick if they didn't match with how they viewed themselves. And there was one girl in particular that I talked to, and it was a very normal call at the beginning. Very normal. She's answering my questions, blah, blah, blah.

Amber F. (18:30)
There's some yes or no's. There's rate yourself, there's scenarios. And then it kind of gets into long form questions. And I don't know this girl from Adam. I'm just talking to her, and we're getting halfway through the conversation, and she starts to really break down and get nervous.

Amber F. (18:45)
I haven't had anybody get emotional with me on the call. And I'm like, oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit a nerve. Are you okay?

Amber F. (18:51)
And she said, I thought that this call would really help me because I'm trying to build a habit of keeping my house clean, but I'm morbidly obese. My twin sister, who is also morbidly obese, just passed away, and she was the one that cleaned the house. And I just can't motivate myself to clean it because it's too painful. And I'm literally living in squalor. And I was shook.

Amber F. (19:17)
I had no idea what to do with this information. I'm immediately thinking, like, oh, my God. I'm in way over my head. I have no idea what to do. I ended up spending another 30 minutes on the phone with this girl, and I shouldn't have even done this, but I tried to help because that's my instinct.

Amber F. (19:33)
I was like, I have to help this girl in some way, shape, or form. And I was like, you can call me again if you want to talk or whatever. And we ended up talking one more time over text. But essentially, she was saying, she was the one that cleaned. I was not the one that cleaned.

Speaker 1 (19:46)
She was the one that cleaned. She had that responsibility. I couldn't do it. And so I kind of asked her some questions about that. What is it about doing it? And she obviously was saying it. Rhinestones. Her sister makes her sad. It's really hard for her. She gets tired quickly. All of these very real reasons why she wasn't completing the task that needed to be done. And she kept saying, she was the one that cleans. I was not the one that cleans. And I just had a spark of inspiration, and I said, what if you, in honor of your sister, take on that identity for her? So that used to be her identity.

Speaker 1 (20:19)
Can that be a part of your identity now to keep her spirit alive? And I told her about some of the hacks that I know about overcoming resistance, which are set a timer on your kitchen, microwave or oven or whatever for five minutes and just do it for five minutes and let that be enough. And that's a trick that I used to do for exercise. Right? Like, I have to do 20 push ups today.

Amber F. (20:40)
As long as I do 20 push ups, I don't have to do anything else. And then you kind of have this snowball method, right. And we talked a lot about these different ways that she could honor her sister. And I was just desperately out of my own selfish interest because I was so uncomfortable on the call, desperately looking for a way to make her feel better. And that's what came through, was, we're going to honor your sister by you taking on that identity. And that's where this idea was really planted in me, and it was something that I've really studied over the years and something that I've used to my benefit to make change in my life. Now, dovetailing with that, there's a new conversation that's happening around having little wins. And that's what that whole set, the five minute timer is all about. Having a little win in fitness, for example, gives you this opportunity to have the snowball method. And you've heard me talk about this before with Dave Ramsey's way to pay off debt.

Amber F. (21:37)
He uses the snowball method where he says, don't look at the APR, don't look at the interest rate, just pay down the card that has the least amount of money due on it first, and then that will give you momentum to want to go and pay the next one. And his argument to that has always been, if you wanted to pay off the one with the highest interest rate first, you'd be paying attention to math. But because you are already in debt, you obviously didn't pay attention to math in the first place. And I think that's incredibly demeaning and I don't appreciate it. Dave. However, the point now I'm starting to see this having, being a bigger conversation in fitness, for example, is that people are using the snowball method to have little wins in fitness to give them momentum to continue. And the biggest snowball, I don't know, instigator that we're seeing right now is ozempic. So actually, Claudia Oshry and Ben Soffer from the morning toast were talking about this, about how they always resisted going to the gym when they were more overweight because it was so hard for them to go do it because they were so resistant. They never went because it was just so exhausting. They were so overweight that it was uncomfortable.

Amber F. (22:45)
It was just unachievable to them, and they couldn't ever see themselves doing that. And now they've used Ozempic as an accelerator, and they are smaller, they are equating smallness with fitness, and they are now going into the gym. It's more easy for them to be doing the movements, be doing the weights. They can have some energy and sustainability. Where before they were just huffing and puffing to get up the stairs, right. They have used Ozempic to change their identity, to change their body, and that's given them a small win so they can continue. And there are studies, I read this through biolane. If I follow him on Instagram, he linked to a study that showed that people that have small wins in fitness are more likely to continue on their fitness journey, which is what I was accidentally programming with myself when I was in a fitness slump and needing to get back into it. All I need to do is 20 push ups a day. If that's all I want to do today, that's fine, but what usually happens is like, okay, now my blood is pumping, now I want to do a little bit more.

Amber F. (23:39)
And that's what I was sharing with that poor girl who lost her twin sister on the phone. If you do five minutes, that's enough. That's all you have to do today. And what you need to do, obviously, is have, like, an accountability partner. And usually that would have been her sister. So I asked about who other in her network can she rely on? Her mom, her dad, et cetera. Anyway, my point is, we're looking for these little wins of how to affirm our progress so that we have momentum to move forward. So I'm not looking at goal setting in the tiny chunks in reverse engineering right now. I'm looking at this as what are the steps that I need to take to change my identity, to match who it is that I want to become in ten years? So I just want to take a different approach from the mindset perspective. So we know again from James clear atomic habits. To achieve a goal or to change a habit, you need to have a cue, a habit, and a reward. So, for example, if you need to remember to brush your teeth every morning, you need to set an alarm, you need to brush your teeth. And then the reward is you have a fresh mouth or whatever it might be.

Amber F. (24:44)
Or if you want to go to the gym, you need to have an appointment in your calendar. It makes you go at that time. Your trainer is there, so you have accountability. The habit is that you go and you do it. And the reward is that you feel better about your body. Now, here's the thing. I get that in theory, but what's been really working for me is the whole conversation about identity. And this, again, this is the it. This is the thing about the episode. This is the big secret. Changing your identity makes achieving your goals automatic. Because when you have an identity that aligns with who you want to be and you connect with that identity, you can put that person on as a Sasha fierce, have an alter ego. You can be your future self. But once you adopt that identity, the decision making process becomes so easy that you don't need anything to keep you on track. You don't need a habit tracker.

Amber F. (25:41)
You are just acting as your identity. So let me give you an example. If you have an identity that you are an athlete and that is something that you are programming to learn about yourself. I am an athlete. I am an active person. I'm an athlete. What do athletes do? They work out. They train, they eat right, they supplement. They drink a lot of water. They say no to indulging in too many sweets or drinks or drugs. They are going to act as if they are an athlete. What happens if you say, I'm a procrastinator? When you continue to tell yourself you're a procrastinator, you will constantly delay your tasks. You will kind of allow that to be a part of your identity where you continue to do things at the very last minute.

Amber F. (26:28)
Maybe it's rushed. Maybe it's not your best work, but because that's a part of your identity, it just becomes part of who you are, and it's something that you adapt and you never let go of. I mean, our identities are the most salient things in our life. They're how we define ourselves. So when you define yourself as somebody who cares about wellness, then you're listening to the skinny confidential podcast. You're skipping the cheeseburger. You're going for the supplementation. You're trying the colostrum. Whatever it is, you are going to act as if that's a part of your identity. And so you're saying, amber, well, what do I do? Just say that I'm an athlete and I'm going to lose weight and get fit no, not at all. But I'm going to tell you the truth of the matter is that our brains are listening to us more than we give them credit for. And so when we see ourselves in a certain way, we reinforce the way that we see ourselves, with our beliefs and our actions. So again, if you have a positive self image, a positive self identity, you will act in alignment with those things to achieve your goals. But if you have negative self talk, if you have a negative self image or a negative identity, you will continue to act in ways that are familiar to you.

Amber F. (27:41)
Because it's an identity. You've claimed it as your own. I don't know if you guys have watched the new season of Paris Hilton's show on. I think it's on Peacock. I binge watched it this weekend. Paris in love. I don't know. I have the weirdest take on Paris Hilton, or not even take. I have the weirdest opinion of her. I feel so warmly to her. I'm so endeared to her because of the trauma that she's went through, through the total dysfunction of the family that plays out on screen between Kathy Hilton. They're sweeping everything under the rug. The trauma of the Provo detention center that she was in, the baby voice that she uses all the things you can look at somebody and say, oh, my gosh, I have empathy for where you've been, and I understand why you're the way you are, which is what I feel like I know about Paris. I understand based on what she shared with the public, like, why she uses the baby voice when she's uncomfortable. But then you also see her acknowledging those things and completely ignoring them in the same breath.

Amber F. (28:39)
Like she's saying she wants to bond with her baby, but she has so many responsibilities, yet she's electing to do a concert that requires daily rehearsals and choreography and pain to her body, choosing to do that over being with her son. So that's not something that anybody is forcing her to do. That's something that she is creatively wanting to do. Because just my psychotherapy analysis, she's probably trying to disconnect from dealing with the trauma by staying so busy all the time. Because it's probably easier for her to be the Paris Hilton superstar than it is for actually to be just Paris at home and deal with it. Anyway, I digress. The reason I'm bringing this up is because something that shocked me in watching that show was she continued to say, I'm shy, I'm shy, I'm shy. And I'm like, what? How is she shy? And again, I think it's that she is shy when she's being Paris.

Amber F. (29:33)
When she's being Paris Hilton superstar, she's not shy at all, because that's a Persona, right. That's probably an unhealthy way of dealing with identity. But what was happening was that every time she was feeling anxious or uncertain about things, she would say, I'm shy, as a way to justify her. I don't want to call it bad behavior, but her behavior that was pulling away from the group or disconnecting from conversations or the groups of people that she was with. It is just such an interesting way, an interesting study of seeing how somebody's identity or the way that they label their identity, it allows them to act in ways that align with their identity, even if it's not true. Paris Hilton is not shy in the typical sense where she can talk to anybody, any stranger. She can go on the view. She can go on good Morning America. She can go anywhere. And maybe that's uncomfortable. I'm sure it is. I'm not saying that she's not shy completely, but she's capable of more than she gives herself credit for. And that's where it really hurts to see. She probably can be shy, but she can also say, I'm brave. I'm also very talented at being on tv.

Amber F. (30:39)
I'm also capable. And it's interesting the way that her identity plays into her choices. Okay, so let's get into the tactics of understanding identity, how it works in our brains, and how we can use it to our benefit to crush our goals in 2024 and beyond. So, first of all, I'm going to come with the science. So there was a study done by the journal of Personality and Social Psychology that found that those who aligned their goals with their identity were 32% more likely to achieve them. And also, Harvard Business review highlighted that recognizing and understanding one's identity can lead to better decision making, increased job satisfaction, and just overall success in both your personal and professional life. So, again, I'm pulling from a lot of James Clear's book atomic habits. I haven't even read it, you guys. I've literally listened to the Blinkist. I've read every article online.

Amber F. (31:31)
I feel like I don't need to read the book. I don't know about you. Maybe there's some nuggets in there that are like, it's great storytelling, but I just need the meat and potatoes, and I'm going to give it to you here. Okay, so this is your cliff's notes. Here's what you need to know about identity. Your identity is going to impact your daily choices, because the saying you are what you do is actually not accurate. It's more about, you do what you are, because our identity, which are our ingrained beliefs about ourselves, our self images, that is the undercurrent that drives all of our daily choices, like an invisible hand without us even realizing it. It's literally the subconscious mind at work just directing us into what we need to do. So it might not be conscious for you where you are. Oh, I am an athlete. I choose a banana. I hate bananas. But my point is, it's not something that's active. It's when you really believe the identity about yourself, and you understand who you are, and you have a positive self image that you start making moves in the right direction. So if you're looking to build a new identity, you have to dream big.

Amber F. (32:31)
So that's what I'm talking about. You looked ten years behind. You're looking ten years forward. What is that identity of the person ten years in the future? When you're looking at ten years in the future, let's say fitness is one of your goals. I would think it would be unusual for you to say, okay, in ten years, I want to be able to bench press 150 pounds. What you would probably say is, I'd like to be a fit person and feel good about my body, or maybe have lost weight or something like that. Those are all specific goals, but they're centered around outcomes, not identity. So there's a really great illustration in the book where outcomes is on the outer edge of the onion, okay? So the outcomes there, that's the outside level of the onion, if you will.

Amber F. (33:14)
And that is concerned with changing your results, like losing the weight, going to a crossfit gym, starting a business, whatever it might be. And all of the goals that you're setting are probably associated with outcomes, like the things that you want, the Mercedes G wagon, you want to have the big bank account, whatever. But in order for the outcomes to happen, you need to put processes in place. That is about habits. So in order to have the big bank account, you need to have the revenue coming in, meaning you need to create systems, or a business or a service, or if you want to be fit or you want to lose 20 pounds.

Amber F. (33:48)
The process, the habit, is going to the gym, eating healthier, et cetera. The center of the onion is the identity, and that is the center of the onion because it's concerned with changing your core beliefs, like the core of the world, the core of the onion. It's like your worldview, your self image, your judgments, all of the beliefs you have about yourself, all of the things that you think about yourself. If you're the type of person that's constantly saying, oh, I'm such an idiot, please stop that right away, because your brain is listening to you, and the words that we say matter. So if you want a different outcome, you need to start in the center of the onion and change the identity, set up the processes, and then the outcomes will come. So again, the identity is the driver of all of the things. Right now, I was just talking about all these little snowball methods, the small wins, all these things. What you need to do is, when you decide on your desired identity, and I'm going to give you an example in just a minute, is that you need to find evidence to support that identity. Okay? So that is the small win.

Amber F. (34:53)
Those are the snowballs that you're looking for. So first of all, deciding who you want to be. I will tell you that when I was in my last corporate job, and I was thinking about wanting to start a business one day, I did not have that identity. In fact, my boss told me I was crying in his office one day about hating my job, not a lie. And he said to me, why wouldn't you just start your own marketing agency? You could totally do it. And I was in so deep, so beaten down, and I had no confidence that I could not fathom ever owning a business, let alone doing marketing outside of what I was doing. I thought I was trapped. I had no identity around that. And it wasn't until after I left that job, which, remember, I did not leave my last job to start a marketing agency.

Amber F. (35:36)
I left to take a break. I saved money. I thought I was going to take six months off and just chill out. I did not think I was going to start a marketing agency. But then my phone started ringing, and people said, will you help me with marketing? And so my identity shifted to, oh, I'm actually a really good marketer. And then more people came, and then I started to have to sell my services. And I thought, wow, I'm actually really good at doing business. And then I started really building a team and an agency larger than myself. And I thought, oh, my God, I'm an entrepreneur. Oh, my God, I'm a CEO. And so my identity has shifted over the years into now being the CEO of this company. And I take that job really fucking seriously. Like, you should see my job description. I have a job description written out as a CEO, and it has nothing to do with marketing.

Amber F. (36:22)
It has nothing to do with anything that I was doing at my past job. It is my new identity. And I was once in a place just six years ago where I couldn't even see that about myself. But I had these small wins happening for me over time, which helped me develop my identity. And now I could be a CEO of this company and any others. That's how I really, you know, if you are looking to build an identity of, I'm a fitness person, you know what a fitness person does? They probably wear an apple watch. They track their steps, carry a water bottle around. They have their meals pre planned. They go to the gym. They enjoy working out with their friends. All these different traits. So when you're putting your identity together, I want you to tell me the traits of the type of person that would have that identity already. And you can look around in pop culture at your peers for examples of this. If there's somebody out there that's doing what you want to do, what do they do on a daily basis?

Amber F. (37:15)
Like, if you want to be a CEO, there's plenty of podcasts out there. Him and her confidential, skinny confidential. They've interviewed everybody. Everybody's got their morning routine. They're meditating, they're journaling, they're working, they're selling, they're pitching their projects. They are getting investors. They're doing the things right. Those are the little steps. So if you are looking to become a fitness person and you are going to achieve that identity, I'm going to be an athlete. Then I want you to look for all the ways that you do that as you start to build these new habits. Like, oh, look at me, I carried my water bottle around all day today. Oh, look at me, I wore my apple watch, and, oh, I'm prioritizing my sleep. That's what an athlete would do. And you need to be conscious of all of the different ways that you are aligning your actions with your identity, because the whole goal here is to reinforce your identity. I have a hot, hot tip on this as well.

Amber F. (38:02)
Again, we're looking at identity at the core. On the outside of the core is the processes. Think of an onion or a bullseye, the middle identity. After that, it's processes. Then on the outside, it's outcomes. When you work from the inside out, your identity will make you achieve the outcomes, because the processes come naturally to the person that has that identity. So I'm taking you guys really behind the scenes and I'm going to read you something that I wrote at the beginning of COVID and everything on this has come true because of the way that I wrote it and what I did with it. So again, my identity, I just kept saying, like, highest, best version of myself. That's like a real estate term, highest and best use, but highest and best version of myself. And I wanted to say, what are my desired identities? So I wrote this note on May 21 of 2020. So we're, like, two months into the pandemic. It's before I have poppy. It's before I met Justin. I'm going to cry.

Amber F. (39:02)
Oh, my God. I was 33 at the time, and this is what I wrote on a piece of paper. And then I folded it up and I put it in my wallet, and I also recorded this as a voice note in my phone, and I listened to it every single day for months. It was Covid. We didn't have anything to do. I'd go on walks every single day, and I would just listen to myself read this back. And I'm going to list some of the things. I'm not going to read you all of it, but I'm going to tell you what I started with. So it says 521 2020. I'm 33. My desired identity is a millionaire, a homeowner. I'm self assured. I'm feminine. I am a smart, powerful business leader. I am a speaker.

Amber F. (39:42)
I am graceful. I am in charge of my energy. I am deeply in love. I am so satisfied with my life. And then from there, I wrote out all of the things that I wanted to have happen that year as if they had already happened. So this is what I wrote. I already have everything I want. I have the vacation coming up, totally paid for. I live in my dream home. I have the great love of my life. I am loved and cherished and desired beyond belief. I have an incredible circle of friends. I have dinner party plans next week. I have a team and incredible business growth. I have the respect and admiration of many. I am influential in the most positive way possible. I'm at peak health. I am accepted. I am seen. I am loved.

Amber F. (40:23)
I am loving. My heart is open. I magnetize good people into my life because of my elated and happy state. I am happier than ever. Love and money flow to me effortlessly, and my life is a beautiful work of art. When I wrote this in May of 2021, sorry, May 21 of 2020, none of those things were true. Not a single one of them. I couldn't afford a vacation. I didn't live in my dream house. I hadn't met Justin. I didn't have poppy. That was another thing down here on the list. It also says, tangible for the year 33, find my dog. And she literally fell in my lap not more than a day later. Actually, I got her the very next day after writing this. That's actually crazy. And it just totally happened on accident. I didn't have a team at that time of any strength. I didn't have any influence at that time. I wasn't sharing any content.

Amber F. (41:15)
I definitely wasn't in love at that time. I now completely identify with every single thing on this list that I have shared with you. Every single thing on this list is now my identity. And it was not when I wrote this three years ago, three and a half years ago. And what I did, again, I recorded this as a voice note on my phone and I listened to it until I believed it would come true. And over time, I was thinking about these things. Of all these identities that I wanted to have, right. And I was thinking, are these identities that can fit for me? Yes. What are the pieces of evidence that I can point to, to share or to show myself that this can happen for me and that even more can happen for me in the same way?

Amber F. (41:57)
So that's my big takeaway from today, is when you identify the identity of your future self and you allow yourself to lean into the trust, knowing that you've grown from the past ten years and you're going to grow for the next ten years and speak as if it's already happened. Indoctrinate yourself. Hypnotize yourself. Meditate with yourself. Spend time with yourself, aligning with that vision of yourself. And now, every year since then, I have done different versions of this exercise. And there's nothing that moves the needle faster for me than changing my identity or my idea of my identity to really get to the next level. And I'll tell you, the biggest one that's happened for me recently that I shared with you already is that business owner or entrepreneur to CEO. That has been a big change for me recently. I didn't feel correct about using the term CEO until I achieved the identity of it.

Amber F. (42:46)
I had it on my email signature or whatever, but it felt weird to me because I wasn't acting as a CEO, and I really had to get comfortable with, okay, what does a CEO do? A CEO manages the marketing, the finance, the business operations. They oversee a team of executives. That's now what I do. That is now my identity. And so it took me some time to get comfortable with it because you're not going to change your identity overnight. But then I had to start looking for evidence in my own life. Like, oh, wow. Yeah, I do run the finances for my business. Oh, yeah. I do have this team of executives in accounting or operations or marketing or whatever that help me execute on this vision, and I manage them. I'm the chief executive officer. I manage the executive team. I have lawyers that I work with and finance consultants and all these different people, coaches, and it's my company. I own it.

Amber F. (43:33)
I'm the CEO. It took me a long time to really get to that identity. But I will say that once I really started wearing that, I take that job more seriously than I've ever taken any job in my life. So the other thing that I would say about identity is what you do becomes natural to you when you achieve that identity, as long as you continue to indoctrinate yourself with that vision of yourself. But another big thing for me has been a not to do list. So we all have huge to do lists that are never ending. And something that has happened for me recently is I've had to ask myself, what do ceos not do? And one of the things that I've recognized is that I have a lot of habits that are ingrained in me from who I was before, that I'm ready to let go of so I can fully step into that identity. And so when I was asking myself, for example, what do ceos do? Well, ceos don't compromise on their fitness.

Amber F. (44:27)
They know that being healthy and working out gives them more energy in their business. I know that ceos wake up early. I know that ceos, I don't know, do take breaks or they learn about finance or whatever it might be. So if you want to be whoever your identity is, I want to be a great boyfriend. Well, what does a great boyfriend do? What does a great girlfriend do? What do they not do? A great girlfriend does not talk badly about her partner to other people. A great girlfriend does not indulge in flirting with other people on social media or in person. A great girlfriend does not cut down their partner.

Amber F. (45:00)
A great girlfriend does not criticize or harass or discard the feelings of their partner. What are the things not to do? I'm going to tell you my not to do list because I just worked on this recently and I wanted to see what things I could remove from my life instead of adding more things to my never ending to do list. I don't need more checklists or habit trackers or boxes to tick to tell me that I'm on my way to being a CEO. But what I do need to do is remove the distractions and the things that are not getting me towards that identity.

Amber F. (45:31)
And I'll tell you what, they are number one, deleting influencers from my Instagram and my TikTok that are encouraging me to buy a bunch of shit. I'm trying to be multimillionaire over here. I don't have the time to be buying shit on TikTok shop. Like, I literally bought an eye massager that has, like, vibration and heat and it's like an eye mask and it massages. I don't need that.

Amber F. (45:51)
But I bought it. It was on sale on TikTok shop. I was like, oh, no, I'm having a problem here. I've deleted influencers that have encouraged me to buy and have also deleted people or blocked people or muted people or whatever that have just made me feel a type of way. If it's, I don't know, comparison journey, if it's like, they're too aggressive. There's been a lot of people that I've come across on social media recently that are trying to be in the coaching space, and they get on Instagram Stories and just fucking bark at you all day long about why you're not doing enough. And you don't know what I'm doing. My love on Instagram Stories, so I don't need somebody motivating me in my Instagram Stories. I will pay a professional for that. But thank you so very much.

Amber F. (46:28)
So I've really cleaned house on social media. I've also deleted a lot of access that I've had to snark pages and stuff like that, like things on Reddit that are just not positive. So, you guys, I don't know if I talked about it on the podcast, but the whole Heather McDonald, Justin Martindale, Jeff Lewis, Crystal Lamis drama from earlier this summer, that's a deep cut in pop culture. If you know what I'm talking about in podcast wars, then we're friends. Anyway, I was looking at all that stuff on Reddit, and I was, like, reading it and breaking it down for Justin, hoping that he'd get involved in the drama with me. I did not need to be spending time doing that. That is not something that a CEO does. Okay? I've also unsubscribed from marketing emails, removed junk food from my shopping list. I've cut back on alcohol.

Amber F. (47:13)
I'm going to do dry January. All these different things that I've done that are on my not to do list are as important as what's on my to do list. Okay, so that's my last tip for today. Here's kind of like a summary. I really want to always have every episode clear. Next steps, action items, takeaways. So let's run through kind of some of the things we've talked about. We went on a winding journey, and I appreciate you being here with me, but just to put a bow on it all, we talked about real housewives, Miami, Paris and love, crystal llamas and Heather McDonald. All the drama. Please let me know if you want me to talk about that more, because I could talk about that shit all day. I could do a podcast episode a day. This is going to be morning toast 2.0. Anyway, talking about achieving your goals. The best way to achieve your goals is to change your identity. How do you change your identity?

Amber F. (47:58)
You just tell yourself you're different. Yes, you absolutely do. And then you need to convince yourself to believe it. Okay. What we're looking for here are small wins in changing your identity over time so that you can say, this is my dream me. This is my dream version of me in 2034. I want to be this type of person, and that person has this identity. They are a mother. They are a business owner. They are a fitness person. They are a millionaire. What I need to do is look for evidence now to point myself in that direction, because my self image will shape every action that I do. And I know that to be true because that's how the subconscious works. The words that we say matter. And when we talk to ourselves in a way that aligns with how we want to be a version of our future self and we take action towards achieving that identity, then all of the processes and all of the outcomes will come.

Amber F. (48:53)
So, again, when you're looking to build an identity, you need to, number one, be really aware of the self talk that's going in on your head right now. Slow it all down. Listen to yourself. Pick a new identity. And then I want you to write out all of the traits that a person with that identity would have, the things that they do, the habits, et cetera. I want you to write those all down on paper. I want you to write statements as if they're already happening. So, for example, if you are looking to go on a fitness journey in 2024, but in ten years, you really see yourself as that person who has that incredible before and after on Instagram, and you are posting it, and you are like, I will never go back there again. You are claiming that identity now. You are that after picture, right?

Amber F. (49:34)
And that after picture, the identity of that after picture, this person does this thing, that thing, the other thing, and you're going to write it in I am statements. I am committed to my health. I am making better choices. I am that after picture. I am proud of that after picture. I am the type of person who has the support to do that. My friends have never gotten in my way. They've been understanding when I've not wanted to go to Olive Garden every night for fettuccine Alfredo, all the things you need to write them as if they've already happened. I want you to record that in a voice note and I want you to listen to it every day. Bonus points if you find another rich girl who's willing to do this with you.

Amber F. (50:11)
It's really powerful to be recording these back and forth to each other. Use Voxer, which is a little walkie talkie app. Use Voxer and record those messages to each other and tell each other what you're doing to align with your identity every day, if you're willing to share. I can't stress enough that accountability in this process just makes it so much easier because other people can be mirrors for us and show us the good in ourselves that aligns with the identity. So it helps you find those small wins, it helps you get that momentum.

Amber F. (50:39)
And you can use the snowball method in your identity to get closer to your ideal, desired self. Once you have your identity sorted and you're going to continue to reinforce that, you're going to just naturally choose the processes that align with the identity. So if you're trying to be an athlete, you're trying to be a fitness influencer, you're going to post on social media, you're going to go to the gym, you're going to carry the water, all those types of things. When you're doing this process of changing your identity, your identity influences the processes which will obviously influence the outcomes that align with who you are and what you're trying to achieve. So their outcomes are the goals.

Amber F. (51:12)
It's the g wagon, it's the money in the bank, it's whatever it is. You're also going to create a not to do list where you're going to identify the things that don't align with your identity and you're going to lovingly allow those to fall away from your life and what you're doing right now. And the last tip that I'm going to just give you, which is just another little mini action item. Is that putting guardrails in places where you will be attentive to them to make sure that you stay on track and you're checking in with yourself I think is really important. And that might be a weekly therapy session. I just came back from therapy this afternoon, like love my therapist and love checking in with her. It's not always like doom and gloom. It's like progress and visioning and strategy. I have a great therapist, so maybe it's a therapy appointment. Maybe it's a weekly scheduled journal session.

Amber F. (51:56)
Maybe it's programming in calendar invites in your calendar blocking off 2 hours every month to sit and vision your identity and reflect and look for those evidence pieces. Maybe you're programming in a quarterly goal check in. I have a quarterly goal set up or quarterly task set up that has all these different things that I do on a quarterly basis. And it's fresh in my mind because I just did it for prepping for Q one of 2024 of just reviewing my goals and my identity and my journals and all that kind of stuff. So I'm all about finding the path of least resistance to achieving the life of our dreams. And if identity is a way to do that, I challenge you to take that on in December as you're dreaming of big goals for 2024. I hope this lands for you. I hope that you enjoyed this episode. Please let me know what feedback you have. I'm always here on the DMS.

Amber F. (52:50)
You can also leave me a message now on SpeakPipe. There's a link in our Instagram bio where you can literally record a message on SpeakPipe and I can play it on the podcast, answer your questions, anything like that. So it's old money podcast on Instagram TikTok. You can find us oldmoneypodcast@gmail.com or online at oldmoneypodcast and somebody just asked about referencing back on another episode. Just know we're getting the transcripts up for every single episode of Old Money so that you can always reference back if there's any product recommendations, ideas, or notes that you want to look back into.

Amber F. (53:23)
We've got you. So I'm hoping that 2024 is your best year yet. I really feel like we're due. I feel like we're really past the pandemic situation. We're due for a good year, so I'm going to leave you with that. Let me know what you think and thank you for being here. I will talk to you on the next episode. Bye bye.

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The content presented in this podcast is intended to entertain, educate, inspire and support listeners in their personal and professional development and does not constitute business, financial, or legal advice. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services for which individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services related to the episode.

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