021. Jill Zarin Runs with a Fabulous Circle of People, and so can you- High-value Friendships in Your 20s, 30s and Beyond

Lifestyle

Nov 14

You don't have to keep up with the Joneses in order to elevate uplevel your inner circle.

Today, Amber answers a listener's question about building high-net-worth friendships. From leveraging existing connections to the best (and worst) examples of friendship from The Real Housewives canon, you'll learn practical tips and tricks for nurturing meaningful relationships.

In today's episode, we cover the following:

Birdie and bogey (1:12)

Mailbox money (9:26)

The best and worst friendships in The Real Housewives canon (14:36)

The 3 different types of friendships (16:45)

Find your "why" for wanting new friendships (23:19

Journal prompts for attracting high-value friendships (27:20)

Meeting new friends in diverse ways (30:32)

Amber's #1 piece of advice on friendships in the workplace (34:56)

What you need to know about making high net worth friends at a country club (36:22)

Creating connections based on shared values (41:17)

Improv tips for meeting new people (49:31)

Tips for finding friends online (52:39)

TRANSCRIPT

Amber F. (00:05)
Hello, Rich Girls. Welcome back to Old Money, the podcast for women building the trust fund and the lives they wish they were born with. I'm your host, Amber Frankhuizen. I don't know about you, but that intro was giving me very lifestyles of the rich and famous vibes. Robin Leach. I have a little bit of an accent. I'm giving Dorit Kemsley. I don't know what's happening, except I do know this, this episode is going to be fire. It's one of my most requested topics to talk about, which is friendships and up leveling our inner circle as we grow. How we do that elegantly, what that looks like, how to find friends, keep friends, all that good stuff. But before we get into that, so much has happened this month. I have 42 birdie and bogeys that need to get spread across a million different episodes. So let me just let you know what's up. And remember, if you don't play golf, it's okay, neither do I. We're using the scoring of the game to acknowledge the things that are good or things that are going well, like the birdies in our lives. That's when you get one stroke under par and acknowledging the bogeys.

Amber F. (01:07)
The things that suck when you get one stroke over par. So with that, let's get into this week of Birdy and Bogey. So my birdie, your girl just got back from Miami and the bi-coastal vibes are vibing. I love Miami. South Florida in general is just so incredible. It feels so vibrant and colorful and alive and there's art and people and lots of displays of wealth. Lots of new money looks there. Lots of old money as well. And the reason for this trip this time was to go to the Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show. Now, one of our clients for AF marketing, Alpha Yachts, was showing two yachts at the show. And it's always a good opportunity to go support the clients and see what the industry is doing. Also, Alpha Yachts had had some of their team fly over from their shipyard in Italy, so I got to meet them and just spend time. And while that was really lovely, the Boat Show in general was so chaotic. I can do a whole other episode. I feel like I need to have a patreon where I can discuss the real behind the scenes of what's going on, because you never know who's going to listen to the podcast.

Amber F. (02:15)
Not that I have anything bad to say about Alpha Yachts, they are the most incredible clients. I'm just in love with them. I'm talking about every other player at FLIBS because this was literally like the Jersey Shore of Boat Shows. It was insane. But the rest of the Miami trip was incredible. We did work stuff on Thursday, Friday. So Saturday, Sunday, we had our days to play in South Beach, and we got to explore all over. And we really didn't have much of an itinerary this time, which was really, really nice. We got to spend some time with my godmother, my fairy godmother, who I love so much, and her husband at Mandolin, which is one of the most amazing restaurants I've ever been in my entire life. It's in the design district of Miami, and it's like being transported to Greece. The food is insane. Trust the wine recommendations. They made this incredible white wine recommendation. So we split a bottle and it was literally like, okay, we're in the Greek Islands. It's just such a moment. We also accidentally wandered into the Setai, which is a hotel on South Beach. It's just south of where we stayed.

Amber F. (03:24)
We always stay at the W in South Beach. And the Setai rooms are like $1,700 a night on the low end. I always was focused on what's right north of the W, which is the One Hotel. And the One has an incredible rooftop, an incredible pool inside. It's so viby. It smells like heaven. It's got all these super cushy white couches. It's just such a cozy vibe. It's giving elevated restoration hardware and plants and eco and all that stuff. But the rooms at The One I've never really been so attracted to, which is why we keep going back to the W. Anyway, the Setai just south of W, we walk in on Saturday night, not knowing. I was like, Let's just go peek in and see if we can grab a drink. And we walk in, first of all, the bar is packed. Second of all, we walk through the bar into the restaurant and you walk in and there's all of these tables that surround this inside pool. And in the middle of the pool is a DJ and the roof is open and there's lights and the music is loud and everybody in there is dressed to perfection.

Amber F. (04:27)
It's mellow. It doesn't feel like a cheap club. It's not like E11even. It's not like space, for God's sakes. It's like a very nice restaurant. And it was such a vibe. We walked to the back of the restaurant around the pool, squeezing in between people's dinner tables, and there's another bar back there. And as we're getting drinks, a full-on tropical rainstorm comes through and it starts pouring through the open roof into the pool. And the lights are on. The DJ is covering his set-up with towels. People are freaking out. Girls are running around in their heels. By the way, it was also Halloween weekend, so it was just another level of chaos. But this was the moment. These are the moments where you walk into something and you're like, Oh, I fucking found the party. And it was so much fun. And we were just chatting people at the bar and having a couple of drinks and really easy, really mellow, but exciting, fun, sexy vibe. And that's what's so fun about Miami and why I love it so much. We did a whole bunch of other things. We had dinner at the Setai's restaurant on the oceanfront the next night, which was absolutely delicious as well.

Amber F. (05:31)
And by the way, I mentioned this in a previous podcast episode, but I didn't want to spill the beans of where we were going to be and when we were traveling. We went for The Boat Show, and we stayed at The W, like I said, we always do because I'm a Marriott Bonvoy girly. So this trip for us, for the cost of the hotel was free. I transferred points through Chase to Marriott Bonvoy. They're a travel partner. They were having a 50 % bonus transfer deal. So not only did we get this trip for free, I have enough points in my Marriott Bonvoy account. Basically, for another one. So overall, it was totally a fun trip. It was pretty low stakes. I didn't spend a ton of money. It was really fun. So if you see AF Marketing opening up an office in Miami, sometime soon don't be surprised. However, the bogey is when you do take time off, whether it's for work travel or pleasure travel, it often feels like coming back, things are just squished, like everything's crowded. It was like my email inbox felt like how the Fort Lauderdale Boat Show felt on the way back, like chaotic and drunk.

Amber F. (06:29)
I just couldn't handle it coming back, having a lot of that post-vacation panic of how can I catch up? And I did it. It's a week out from the trip. And I just really focused this last week on time blocking and really allocating my time to making sure that the most important things got done, the needle movers in the business. But with that being said, my schedule was very, very full because I'm time blocking on my calendar, making sure I give myself 30 minutes from emails and then an hour to write a proposal and then a call or whatever it might be on my different days of the week. And the thing is that it really felt like I didn't have a lot of space to breathe this week in the schedule. And I find that to be one of the most important things for me as a leader, is having that breathing room, that white space to think creatively, to plan strategically for our clients. I'm starting to write strategy for a new client right now, and I've just blocked off days on my calendar so I can go be in the environment where we're building that new community, really have some time to think, and really blocking that out intentionally.

Amber F. (07:30)
So feeling that crowdedness, even though it was uncomfortable for a couple of days, it was necessary to get through. But now we're back to homeostasis. And the thing that I really realize is when time becomes so valuable, I start prioritizing ruthless. Totally. And a lot of people have been demanding of my time. And other people's demands on my time may feel urgent, but I have to ask, is that important? Or what else have I prioritized ahead of that? And one of the things that can get really muddled is with work, everything feels urgent. But the reality is what's important for me is to make sure that I'm connecting with my people. So it's so funny. We're talking about our network and expanding our circle of friends and making sure that we are tending to that rich part of our lives, the relationship part of our life. But we have to make sure that we are also available for that time because some people from work are like, I need to talk to you about this program or this or that. And I'm like, Okay, schedule an appointment at my next available time. If I don't have time to call my mom or talk to my best friend or visit her, then I cannot be prioritizing other people above the real, true core relationships in my life.

So the bogey is that it's a crowded week. It's been challenging to get through it, but it's also a positive because it really does help flesh out what is important and where we're going to spend our time. I'm big about quality over quantity. And this is actually so perfect because it dovetails beautifully into the letter that I got in the DMs for Old Money. If you want to reach out with any questions at all, you can always find me on Instagram at Old Money Podcast. You can send an email at oldmoneypodcast@gmail.com. I haven't printed this one, but I am holding my phone, if you can hear that here. I have this DM open and this is going to launch us into today's topic. This is our mailbox money. That's right. You've heard about getting money in your mailbox, but here on the Old Money podcast, you're always encouraged to write in with your questions, comments, thoughts, and prayers about becoming rich, living a rich life. And your love notes are money in my mailbox. So let's get into it. This person wrote in and said, I've been thinking I'd love an episode on how to create a network of those who are in a more elevated financial bracket.

Amber F. (09:49)
Very much around you are the company that you keep concept. Like if you aren't surrounded by people in a financial situation you agree with or you feel like an outsider because you can't break into that crowd who has wealth, how do you do that? I'm in a position where I have some overlap into an affluent group, but I still feel imposter syndrome, and it impacts my ability to mesh. I don't want to keep up with the Joneses and pay money to look like I belong, but I want to create habits that allow me to have a common ground. Hello? What a good fucking letter. I'm sorry, Old Money Rich Girls are the smartest, most brilliant people I've ever talked to. My DMs are constantly popping off, and you all are challenging me so very much to really put together some well-researched feedback for you so we can have these discussions. And I want to say that too. I'm not the expert on all the things, but I am a researcher and I am somebody who wants to put my thoughts together and have a conversation with you. So I welcome your feedback on this letter writer's inquiry.

Amber F. (10:48)
But I also wanted to just address a couple of things up top that I love that she said. Number one, she mentions the company that you keep concept. And we might have not talked about this yet on the podcast, but you have surely heard it. It's the concept of you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Not the most physical time, but the most, I think, emotional time. Like, who are the people you're closest with in your life? And how are you the average of them? Well, they've done studies to show that the people you spend the most time with, you have the most average income of, you have the most average weight of, the most average values of. And the reason for that is because to fit in with our tribe, we make changes or adjustments to our own habits because it helps us fit in with the group. But also, naturally being in a group, our behaviors will mirror one another. Because, for example, if you're in a very well-to-do group where everybody is an entrepreneur, you're going to have those types of conversations at your dinner parties that are talking about how to move your business forward.

Amber F. (11:50)
Or maybe you have a group of friends that all love to work out. Your BMI will probably be lower if you guys are always going to work out classes. Or if you're in a group of people who love food and really indulging in maybe unhealthy food, and that's how you spend time together, you're likely to increase your BMI together. So this average of the five people that you spend time with, yeah, really can influence how you show up in life. So what happens when the average of the five people that you're spending time with are broke, they're complaining, they're negative? Well, it might be up to you to change your environment in order to have a healthier place to grow. I just heard this concept from my trainer the other day, and I can't stop thinking about it. He wrote a book. I have to look it up for you guys. But the book basically... By the way, he's my personal trainer, so it's all about health and fitness and stuff like that. The book's thesis is that as humans, we're living organisms. Just like a tree, a plant, a flower. And if a tree, a plant, or a flower dies or wields or struggles to grow, it's not the plant, tree, or flower's fault.

Amber F. (12:53)
It's normally the environment that it's in, whether it's in the right type of soil, it's getting the right type of water, sunlight, and nutrition, and how we, as organisms, put so much pressure on ourselves to grow well and to do great and not to wilt. Yet our environment can sometimes make us sick. Whether it's our soil, our environment, our water, or air, whatever the equivalents are of being a human. The people that we're in, the workplace that we're in, the homes that we live in, the chemicals that are in our systems, whatever it might be, it's this idea that we need to be responsible for our environment and improving it any way we can. And as a human, I believe that one of the reasons we're here on this planet experiencing consciousness is to be in relation with other people. It's one of the most special and unique features of being a human, of having these deep relationships with others. And there's a lot of emphasis on our romantic relationships and also on our familial relationships. But today I really want to talk about our friendships because those are relationships that can be just as rich as any romantic relationship that we might have.

Amber F. (13:59)
And speaking of rich, I think one of the really interesting things back to this letter writer's DM, is that there's this saying that the quickest way to lose a high net worth is to have high net worth friends because of that whole keeping up with the Joneses scenario, right? So while both things can be true, proximity can really increase your net worth. It really can increase your life value and the richness of your relationships. It can also really be detrimental. You have to be eyes wide open on your own spending habits and the way that you show up in a relationship. So let's talk about that from the beginning, right? I always like to have a point of reference, and you know the only cultural reference that I have are The Real Housewives on Bravo. These are shows built around friendships, right? It's all about examining the relationships between these, quote-unquote, high-net-worth women in affluent areas of the country, how they behave, how they interact, et cetera. Now, I'm a purist. I like the old days of Vicky Van Wilson working at Coto Insurance and then hiring Laurie Peterson and having it all go wrong because Laurie doesn't fucking care about working at Coto Insurance, or Bethany slanging Bethany Bakes cookies at the grocery store and nobody cares, and Alex McCord making that very first logo for her.

Amber F. (15:15)
But what I'm looking at in general now on TV are a bunch of people who have been cast and forced into these relationships that they're just not true, real relationships. And these are now coworkers that are working together. So if I look at some of the worst friendships in the real Housewives canon. You have to start with the first, the OG, the full breakdown where it all started. All the drama really started on New York, Jill Zaren and Bethany Frankl. What an unbalanced relationship? Bethany is the type of person I feel. And I could do a whole episode on Bethany Frankl because I used to be a Bethany apologist. And if she just would have stopped getting on TikTok and would have just retired from Housewives and done B Strong, she would be one of the most respected women in America. But now, due to this middle-class cosplay, as Heather McDonald puts it, of her reviewing CVS products and her having to be on the takedown of Andy and having this podcast with Nini, she's just gone off the deep end. But she's always just been so unaware and so reactive to everything that happens to her.

Amber F. (16:22)
So she's just been a bull in a trying to shop through life. And then Jill Zaren sees her as somebody that Jill can quote unquote, mentor or be close to. And the breakdown of their relationship in the early seasons of Real Housewives of New York was so emblematic of what is one of the three types of friendships. I'm going to go deep with you for one second. I'm going to bring in the philosophers. With the old Greek guys, because there are, according to Aristotle, three different types of friendships. There's a friendship of utility, friendship of pleasure, and friendships of the good. Jill and Bethany 100 % had a friendship of utility. And that's where people are on cordial terms because each person benefits from the other in some way. That might be a business partnership, a relationship among coworkers, classmates, or cast mates. And I really think that Bill and Bethany, oh, my God, Bill. No, Jill and Bethany really saw in each other opportunities for them to grow, and they latched on to each other. And then we also saw Bethany do this with Carol. And Carol and Bethany, I think, really did fall into the category number two that Aristotle calls friendships of pleasure.

Amber F. (17:31)
And those are friendships where individuals seek out each other's company because of the joy it brings. That could be love affairs, the same hobby, having similar interests. And I really feel like when Bethany and Carol came together, they were laughing a lot. They were joking around a lot. Carol was very at arm's length with Bethany, crying about her divorce all the time. But she could bring it back around. Remember when she said that she had a lesbian dream about Bethany? And Bethany was so intrigued because it fed her ego, and they had this rapport that was really based in pleasure and fun. The rumor on the street is the reason that their whole friendship fell apart and why Carol was so blindsided at the reunion was because of something that happened off-camera. Allegedly, they were traveling together to L. A, Carol was there to visit someone whose husband had passed away. And there was some social gathering where somebody that Carol was friends with and was visiting, was the husband of a very well-to-do producer or TV network person. And Bethany had said that she was upset that Carol had not invited her to those social gatherings because Bethany thought Carol should have helped her out by introducing her to those people.

Amber F. (18:44)
The would have helped her be more successful in pitching her shows. Carol, meanwhile, had no idea about all of this. And so that's when they come back to that reunion and Bethany just goes for Carol's jugular. And Carol is like, What are you talking about? And then she gets into Andy and is like, Andy, are you scared of her? What is going on? What was happening there is Bethany's true colors of looking for a utility friendship were showing through. Carol was like, I thought we had a pleasure friendship, and we could both be good with that. But now you needed something from me and she didn't deliver, and now it's completely fallen apart. Speaking of other really bad, really toxic friendships, and there are so many in the canon of Housewives, Shannon Badour and basically anyone else. As we've seen recently, Shannon Bidore only uses her friends for utility. And the is getting drunk with the pleasure part of it and then calling to complain about John Janssen. And Bravo Con was this weekend. I've been watching some of the clips. Looks like Shannon is doing better, which I'm really happy about. I hope Archie's okay.

Amber F. (19:43)
But the reality is that every single friendship that she's been in has been very distanced because it's usually a friendship of utility so that she can process the trauma of her life with the people that she's interacting with on the show. When Lord knows she needs to stop going to Dr. Moon and start going to a doctor therapist to really process that through and heal from it on her own. And those are two of the first types of friendships. And according to the Stoics, Aristotle, he says the most important friendship of all is the friendship for good. And those are friendships based upon mutual respect and admiration for each other's virtues, with a strong desire to aid and assist the other person because they recognize their essential goodness. So when I look at some of the best friendships in the real Housewives canon, I think of Alexia and Marisol on Miami. And the reason I think of them first, I'm not saying that they're good people. I'm not saying that they're not absolutely out of their minds, but they truly are ride or die for one another. And they have really put themselves in positions not necessarily most comfortable for them, but to make sure that the other friend is okay.

Amber F. (20:48)
And I think, Alexia, at her core, if you can remember how she went off when she found out that Lisa's husband was dating another woman, what a moment of sisterhood. And I respect that about Alexia. And with Marisol, they always are individuals. They never are coagulated. I feel like Robin and... What's her name? The Green-Eye Bandits. You guys are screaming at me right now. Robin and Gisele. Robin and Gisele are like one person. I feel like Alexia and Marisol are both individuals that come together to support one another. And to me, their friendship looks very pure. The other one, this is such an obscure, house-wise reference, Brandy and from Dallas. They went through a rough patch on their show, and they were very honest about how much it hurt them. Stephanie and Brandy are both very much individuals. Brandy being incredibly out of touch and inappropriate. Stephanie being a little bit more reserved and sweet. Again, two individuals, but they really do love and respect one another for what they bring to the table. Brandy lets Stephanie be sweet, and Stephanie lets Brandy be inappropriate. Yet they still really have loyalty for one another. And speaking of BravoCon, somebody in The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills panel, one of the guests in the audience, stood up and asked the shadiest question to Kyle.

Amber F. (22:11)
And he asked, Why are you still trying to make Teddy happen? Oh, my God. That is so fucking mean and poor Teddy. Even though I do not care for Teddy and Teddy's alliance with Tamara, no, thank you. They just seem to be problem-causers on that podcast, by the way. But here I am causing problems talking shit about the housewives. Anyway, what I thought Kyle said was so amazing and wonderfully supportive of Teddy. And she basically said, I'm sorry that you feel like I'm trying to make Teddy happen, but I'm not. She's just very much happening for me in my life. And that's why she's around, because although you think you know her from the show, what I know of her is very different. And so I'm not trying to make her happen. She just is happening for me. And I love her very much. Our friendship is important. And that's what a real friend would say, especially when you're on stage with a mic handling a question like that. What a graceful way to handle supporting your friend. So we have all of these different examples of types of friendships. And when you know the first two, utility and pleasure, I'm going to challenge the letter writer and everybody that's listening.

Amber F. (23:22)
When you're thinking about expanding your circle of friends, you want to increase the value of the average of the five people you spend the time with or whatever it is. Why is that? Why are you looking to do that? Do you think these friends are your ticket to more success? Or you think you can fly in better circles or go on better vacations? What are you looking to get out of your relationships with your friends? Because when we use that third criteria from Aristotle of the friendship of good, where you have a relationship based on respect, admiration, and a strong desire to support that person because you represent or you recognize rather their goodness, that's a very different type of relationship you're looking to find versus one of utility or pleasure. I'm not saying, though, utility and pleasure are bad friendships to have, I think, as long as you're aware of them and are honest about it with yourself and with others. Because as Aristotle put it, the first two types of friendships are actually fragile. When the purpose for the relationship somehow changes, those relationships tend to end. If you're in a business partnership or you get kicked off of housewives, if you graduate from school, you move, whatever, some of those friendships are going to fall by the wayside.

Amber F. (24:36)
I think that's okay. But if you have a friendship of the good, then you are going to be friends with that person in college and after college. Through their divorce, after their divorce, when they're married again, when you're kicked off of housewives and you're Teddy Mellon camp or you're on the show, whatever it might be. Because if you have a friendship of good, it's going to withstand the storms, the Shannon storms, Badour. But you can also have healthy relationships of utility and pleasure as long as you're clear on what the expectations are. Now, for me, with my close friends, my friendships of good, I have very low expectations on my friends. I have a very, very small circle of people that I really love and respect that I keep close. And I really put a lot of effort into maintaining those relationships because I love them. And also I only have so much time and resource and energy to give. And now these people and I have built these friendships over time, and we have sometimes shared history or sometimes not a lot. But when I mean that the expectations are low, I'm not keeping score with my friends.

Amber F. (25:39)
I'm not saying, Oh, I called you the last two times. You haven't texted me, or You're not thinking about me in this way. As a healthy participant in my relationship, it's my responsibility to communicate what I need to my friends and allow them to show up for me in that way, knowing also what I can give and what they can give. Everybody's in different stages of life with kids and business and relationship and their own things as well. So for me, I really take stock regularly in my friendships and making sure that I'm checking in on a personal level. And things that I say to myself are like, How many friendships can Amber really maintain truthfully? My schedule is so packed with so many different obligations, whether it's spending time with my dog or my boyfriend or my family or traveling or recording this podcast, running the business, whatever it might be, that I don't have capacity to give to 25 really close friends. And I would probably not be a good friend to those people. And it really helps me narrow down what my initiatives are in building relationships, investing in a couple of people really intentionally is where I find the most value in what I love to do.

Amber F. (26:51)
So when I ask, Can I really invest in the relationship? Why am I seeking out new relationships? And maybe you're the type of person that just moved to a new city when you need new people to go out with and fill your weekends, or maybe there's lifestyle changes. Maybe some of your best friends, they're all having kids and you're still single and you're looking for a new group of friends. These are all really valid reasons to find and expand your social circle. But I do think it's important to also check in with ourselves to make sure that we're ready to invest in these relationships as well. I have a couple of journaling prompts that I think might be helpful to think about when we're talking about expanding our networks. I really want to focus this back to the letter writer's question is like, how do we expand our circle of friends into higher net worth groups or expand into be friends with the type of people we want to be friends with? And I have tips and tricks for you, so I will get into it. But today, journaling, what type of friends do you want?

Amber F. (27:44)
Do you want friendships of utility, of goodness, of pleasure? What type of friendship do you want from a practical standpoint? Do you want somebody to go to coffee with, work out classes with? Are you trying to find the next godmother to your child? Are you building a tribe of bridesmaids? What are you in the process for? What does this look like for you? And how do you imagine your relationship's being? Can you really invest in them? Are you ready to do that? When you think about that, what type of people do you want to invite into your life? What are the traits that you would want your best friend to have? What are the traits you want your best friends to have and give to you? And then how can you embody those traits today? Because I will tell you, I believe that to be the trick to finding any type of relationship, whether it's a romantic one or a friendship or even a family member. If you want to have a type of relationship, you have to be the one that goes first in embodying the characteristics of the type of relationship that you want.

Amber F. (28:42)
And you set the energetic standard for how that relationship is going to be, and you can allow people to step up. Or if they don't, you can make changes and go another way. So when you talk about really building friendships with a high-quality person, my number one thing is how can you be a high-quality person first? Again, a friendship of goodness is the things that are ground into relationships that are shared values, shared interests, shared respect. We need to talk about why net worth plays into that. I believe it does, and it does not. And here's where it does not. There are so many people out there that have no money that have the same values as me. There are people out there that have a lot of money that have the same values as me. And I can learn things and enjoy time and be close with both of those types of people. And maybe those are more of the friendships that I have where we relate on values that don't have to do with money or work or entrepreneurship or investing or whatever it might be. Those are different categories of friends. But I also do want friends that I can relate to in building my business, investing, learning more about money and leadership, etc.

Amber F. (29:56)
There are some people that I know that don't give a fuck about that stuff, and they don't want to talk about it with me. That's what I mean when I say one person can't be all the things to you. One friend isn't going to be the one go-to person to talk about or to share every aspect of your life with. But there is a place for people that want to grow the way that you do if you're on a growth journey and a way to find those people. Let's say you're out there looking for high-quality friends, whether they're to talk about business or to build a deep relationship, a friendship of good, or just somebody to go to good meals with, where do you find these people? Well, the first place I would tell you to find these people is by living your own life and then being aware of your surroundings to meet people in the wild. So have your year of yes. Say yes to everything that you can do in your pursuit of your rich life. Go on your own path. And as you explore the things, whatever it is, you're doing fashion design, you're creating ceramics, you're building a marketing company, you're into real estate, you're trying to get into the startup world.

Amber F. (31:05)
Go to the things, be in the places where you want to be for yourself, and then say hello to people, smile. I'm having a big problem in my neighborhood where there are so many people who literally just do not make eye contact and do not say hello or good morning. And meanwhile, I'm like, Hello, good morning, in your face, cute dog. What's up? How are you? All the time in the elevator. If you're in the elevator with me and you do not look at me, I'm Are you unwell? Where is common courtesy? And I think a lot of people live this very insular life because they're so focused on their phones or their insecurities or whatever when they could just look up and make eye contact and smile. The more times you smile and say good morning, the more times you smile and say hello, those are all at-bats to opening a conversation. Being self-aware and aware of your surroundings is so important so that when the mood strikes, you can start that relationship conversation. You can start talking to people. Not every conversation you strike up is going to lead into a phone number exchange or whatever it might be, but maybe it will over time.

Amber F. (32:09)
You have to soften, you have to soften, and you have to be curious about people. I'm going to come back to that curiosity piece too and give you some scripts and some real tactical things on how to build a relationship. But let's go back on where to meet these people. I'm not kidding you all in the fucking elevator of your building. My neighbors and my building have become such a core part of my day to day life. I love my neighbors. Just met a girl the other day. Okay, well, that's not true. She has a very cute dog. She lives in my building. I've seen her around a bunch. We run into her while walking our dogs down the street and she says, I'm moving to Miami in a month. And we're like, We just got back from Miami. Oh, my gosh, we'll have to see you when we're there next. Blah, blah, blah. And we exchange Instagrams. We've seen each other quite a few times, but it hasn't really been any impetus or need to share information because it's just casual in the building. But now I see her Instagram, I'm like, Oh, my God, you're the cutest thing in the whole wide world.

Amber F. (33:01)
Friends, done, obsessed, going to see you in Miami again. Or my next door neighbor or my neighbor down the hall, these are all my friends. They're not my bestest friends that I'm delving into our deepest, darkest secrets together, but they're both professional women that live in my hallway that I'm friends with. We have work challenges. We can share wine, hang out on a Saturday afternoon. They're friends. And those friends can turn into more friends because each of these people have their own networks as well. So proximity is just who's around you. And then also, if you move to a new place or you're in a relationship, who do you have that you can tap into? One of my biggest networking secrets or business development secrets, I should say, is that whenever I talk to somebody who's interested in our work, I ask them who else they can introduce me to that might need our services. Huge tip because that really sets off that referral network, and it really initiates our business growth just through word of mouth, which is so great. But that's another way to expand your circle as well. You meet one girl in your yoga class, you ask her, Hey, who else do you hang out with?

Amber F. (34:06)
Do you have anybody that you could introduce me to that does X, Y or Z or we're into yoga? Who do you know that does pilates? Ask people to expand your network for you. Your partner, if you have a romantic partner, delve into their circles as well. I have made so many close friends from my ex-boyfriends, friends, wives. What? Does that make any sense? Some of my best friends in this world were friendships that I made when I was dating somebody else, and those were his friends, wives, and girlfriends. And sorry, but I won in that breakup. I kept all the friends and like, Goodbye, sir. So my point is you can leverage the networks that you already have, whether it's your partner, your sister, your cousin, your coworkers. And let's talk about that, of that interesting line of coworkers and friends. Now, my number one thing, as advice, I would say if you are in any leadership or management position or you have any aspirations to be in a leadership or management position within your role, whether you own your company or you work for someone else, do not do not become too close with the people you can end up managing or leading.

Amber F. (35:16)
It is so messy. It does not allow you to be a good, objective leader. And it's totally unethical, because if you're friends with some people that you might manage and not others, it makes a completely unfair playing field. And I have a lot of experience of witnessing that from other managers. It's just messy. So keep it separate. But through work, if you're not going to industry events or networking in your industry, you are missing out on a huge amount of just overall career growth and also friend growth. I have made so many good friends from networking events or industry events. Again, I'm really focused heavily in real estate development, so there's a big networking component to that. And I can call on those friends for coffee, dinner, tea or advice on work so they know what's going on in my work world. Now, they're not the people I'm going to for relationship trauma. I don't have any relationship trauma anymore, but you know my point is those are specific friends for a specific utility, and they actually can be really fun people to get to know on a social situation as well. And speaking of associations and groups, now let's get into some of that high net worth stuff as well.

Amber F. (36:28)
I think a lot of people automatically join a country club, join a golf club, tennis club, whatever. And that's certainly a way to meet people and become a part of an organization. But there's often very high barriers to entry, whether it's a waiting list or you have to have a referral to get to know someone. I'm sorry, you have to get a referral to get in because you have to know someone. Or maybe you have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in order to be a part of it. And I think that those can be options for people, for sure. But there have to be some realities here. Number one, if you're joining a country club in a lot of these more affluent areas, a lot of your peers, while they might be in the same lifestyle stage as you, they might number one, not be welcomed to outsiders because of the way that they were raised and the relationships that already exist there. And you're usually coming into a more established group of people. But also you might be coming into people that are your age group peers that are not on the same trajectory as you, the wealth building sense.

Amber F. (37:33)
And what I mean by that is, for example, if you're coming in to join an established country club, there's a waitlist of five years. You waited your years and you paid your dues. Now you come in and you're like, oh, I'm going to have this big group of new friends and maybe you're building your business and these people are the grandchildren of founding members here, and they already have their insular circle. I actually recently got a couple of DMs about this of people who are marrying somebody with money and feeling like they're a bit of the outsider. In fact, going back to what our letter writer wrote and the DMs and saying, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping up with the Joneses. I think that's something that can happen when the friendship is more of that utility or proximity or just convenience friendship. Like, Oh, we're all a member of this same social circle, or our kids go to the same school, and I'm trying to find common ground with you. If you don't have an opportunity to find common values with these people, that's where I feel like it can spiral out of control.

Amber F. (38:32)
So I don't want to say I'm not a fan of country clubs or golf clubs, water ski clubs, whatever it might be, as an automatic in. It's more like, where can you find people that are building the way that you're building? And how can you find people that you're relating to with that? So let's go back to the associations and groups category. You could join some group in San Diego. And internationally, they have this thing called University Club. The one in San Diego, you can go for different drinks and wine tastings or networking business things. I'm going to be honest with you, it's not my vibe. I feel like everybody in the San Diego one is like an insurance broker or real estate agent. But I've gone there for work before and for different events, and it's been lovely. You could look at if you are a... Here's all the criteria for YPO, which is Young President's Organization. If you're under 45, you have a title of President, CEO or Managing Director of a company that has 50 full-time employees or 15 employees with at least $2.5 million in annual compensation. Oh, my God, there's more.

Amber F. (39:34)
Revenue of $1,215,000 or $300 million annually for a sales organization, an agency or a financial institution, respectively, or $25 million plus of enterprise value. Holy shit. Then you can join YPO. And from what I know of YPO, it's one of the coolest fucking groups out there. I do not qualify to be a member, but I do know quite a few people who have been in YPO, and they curate these amazing trips of like pleasure trips, and they're also educational. And the people that are in this are all high achievers, and they're all younger, under 45, right? And they're all leading these big companies, and they face a lot of the similar challenges. So as opposed to being grouped by the buy-in to a country club, these people have earned the status to be able to apply for YPO. And I think that's one of the reasons why those relationships within that group are so strong. There's another couple of them, and I can't speak to either of these two organizations on a personal level. I just know they have good reputations. Number one is Long Angle, which is a group for high net worth investors.

Amber F. (40:37)
So people who are looking to build, there's no membership fee for this one, but there are net worth criteria and investment criteria in order to join. And then you can meet with people who are also building their net worth, and it's a financial-based thing. Bigger pockets is another one that's for real estate investors, and they have a lot of conferences and in-person networking things. I'm in female founder collective. You guys have heard me talk about this a lot. They are a sponsor of the show. I'm obsessed with female founder collective. I have met so many friends and business partners and clients through female founder collective because it really is a very curated group of women that are all actually building something. I also just went to a personal development conference a couple of weeks ago. It was a one day thing on a Thursday. I just so happen to be sitting next to this nice girl, and we walked out of the conference to lunch together. And so as we're walking out together, we get talking, blah, blah, blah. We have lunch together. I see her later in the day. She finds me on LinkedIn.

Amber F. (41:35)
And we just went to coffee this week. And you guys, she's the sweetest thing in the whole world. I love her. She has the best story, an amazing career. She took a risk on herself and started her own company. Totally the same mindset, same type of values. And look, I met her sitting next to her at a personal development seminar. I've met so many people, actually, at personal development seminars. She doesn't do them anymore. But Laurie Harder, who used to be a fitness influencer, and now she's an entrepreneur. She just raised money for what was a canned beverage line now is, I think, a electrolyte beauty drink called Glossy, Glory Harder. I want to plug her because she, through having The Bliss Project events, which are the things that no longer happen, I met some amazing women who were also interested in personal development sitting next to them or being from San Diego or one of my good friends, she lives in Chicago, and I got to see her last time I was in Chicago for breakfast and connect with her as we go through our life journeys together. These are all people that we have shared values with.

Amber F. (42:37)
And I think that's really, really important. These people that I connected with, and listen, there's a lot of people that I've met at Laurie's Bliss Project or at Tony Robbins that wanted to be friends or connected with me and maybe it wasn't the right fit for me or the vibe for me, it's okay. Not everybody's going to be a home run. But through these shared values events, whether it's through personal development, through financial shared values, through entrepreneurial shared values, that's a really good way to find people that you're going to connect with on a deeper level than we have the same association or wear the same golf crest on our shirt. Granted, golf clubs are still great if you love to play golf. I love that. And I think that's dovetailing into my next section of things, which is health and fitness. If you have an interest in health and fitness, you love a boutique fitness gym, please say hi to the people that do yoga next to you. It's such an intimate moment. You're sweating like crazy. You are singing to Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs on your bike in the spin class, and yet you don't look side to side.

Amber F. (43:39)
If you see the same people in your classes all the time, say hello to them and ask them a fucking question. It is so easy to say, Hey, I'm going to be at class next Saturday. Will I see you here again? And then you get to say hi to them. There is no pay scale in a yoga class, and there is no way that you can connect with people faster than getting into your bodies and really experiencing the movement of being human. And that's where I really feel the value in a sports club like tennis or golf might be. So you might be in your 30s and meeting the children or grandchildren of generationally wealthy people. You might be an actively building wealth person where they're an idle wealth person. But when you have golf to connect on, who cares? Because you're living your life, your things that you care about, and you have common interests to ground you. And I think that's the value of I value being outside. I value activity where you can really connect with people and that has nothing to do with their net worth. However, I will tell you through my adventures in health and fitness, in meeting people at yoga or meeting people at Orange Theory or meeting people at Laurie Harder's Bliss Project, has it brought me business?

Amber F. (44:51)
Yes. Has it brought me opportunities? Yeah. Has it brought me really rich, really beautiful friendships? Yeah, it actually has. And for me, I think again on that living my rich life and then allowing people to come into it very organically, vacation has been a huge one for me. Meeting people on vacation or meeting people where we like to travel and we don't travel cheap and we get to then be those people you meet on vacation. Now, I have not read that book because I don't love that author. Sorry about it. But people you meet on vacation is so fucking funny. I'm obsessed with this dynamic of being your vacation persona and who that attracts because I don't know about you, but I have my best self on vacation. And I always find that we meet the most interesting people. The last time we were in Cabo, we loved to go to the Cape, a Thompson hotel. I noticed this girl was reading a book that I had just finished. It was that book about... Okay, it was based on this Harry Stiles fanfic book. I forget what it's called, but the girl has sunglasses on the cover.

Amber F. (45:56)
And it's about this older woman who's 45 and inshe's like an art director. And then she falls in love with this rock star in a boy band and it's their tour love affair. And it's fanfic about Harry Stiles, which is so fucking weird. But I noticed her and I was like, Oh, my God, I just read that book. And then the next day we were wearing the same sunglasses. We get to talking. She has a cute dog. We bond over dogs. Now we follow each other on Instagram. And I just love to see that. I think it's so cute. Have I ever talked her on the phone? No. Met her on vacation. But she's a lovely, lovely person. And I just feel so much warmth to her because we share a vacation spots in common and our love of dogs. And she's a lovely person. And that's that on that. In fact, it was so funny because when we were just in Miami last week, we were having a pool day on Sunday afternoon, and we were sitting next to this couple and they had a corgi with them. And I'm like, Oh, cute. Looks like our friends, Corgi, Elfi.

Amber F. (46:47)
Rest in peace, Elphie. We miss you. And we were looking at this corgi, and I noticed that this corgi had a collar or harness on, and it had a little patch on it that had its Instagram handle. And I'm like, Oh, how funny. I want to see this corgi's Instagram. And so I look at this corgi's Instagram. This fucking dog has 150,000 followers and is on private planes in England, in the nicest hotels I've ever seen in my life. And I'm like, How interesting these people sitting next to us, like they have a dog as an influencer or whatever. These people sitting next to us were the most atrocious people that I had ever eavesdropped on in my life. First of all, the guy that was sitting right next to me, the dog kept jumping up and was drinking the water from the ice bucket where I had my sparkling water in. And the guy continued to skold the dog really harshly but never acknowledged me. I'm a dog person, so I think it's funny, it's cute, whatever. But he just continued to let the dog roam all over my table and all of my things.

Amber F. (47:49)
And I'm like, Hi, dog. And he just would be snappy with the dog, but wouldn't turn to me and say, Oh, sorry about that. I'm like, Okay, whatever. I'm not going to be bothered by it. But then they get their lunch and he opens his sandwich and he goes, What the fuck is this? To the server, to the poor server. He goes, This is not a turkey sandwich. That's all the turkey. This is unacceptable. Bring me your manager. Then he throws a huge fit. Then he's talking to his girlfriend, who's the manager of the dog's Instagram and is like, You should try to get everything here for free. We should get it comped. This is ridiculous. Then he basically demands their entire lunch and all their drinks to be comped. They're sitting next to another couple on the other side of them. And the guy that's sitting next to me is like, Oh, you should let me run your hedge fund. I could raise capital. I could have investors. Just the energy exuding from these people was just toxic. It was so toxic. It was crazy. And I'm just thinking it's so interesting because here we are at a shared environment, could very well have a lovely conversation with these people.

Amber F. (48:50)
But I don't want to have a conversation with them. They were just so rotten and so mean to the servers that I just was like, I don't want anything to do with them. And it's like you can level up your at your vacation spots and you can meet people at your vacation spots. And you're still going to have to be cognizant of the type of people you allow into your framework. Anyway, that's just my rant on meeting people on vacation. But my point is this, is like, here we are living our rich life. Here we are living the life that we've worked hard for, we're enjoying it, and we're just being open and cognizant to the surroundings to identify opportunities to meet new people. But then it's like when you meet somebody, how do you get the conversation going? I've got you covered. Don't worry, there is a template for this, okay? Meeting and talking to new people is improv. It's improv class, okay? Improv is that off-the-cuff comedy thing. You remember that show, Whose Line is It Anyway? And the one rule to improv is you have to say yes and. And my biggest thing is saying yes to every conversation and letting them talk more because everybody loves to talk about themselves, especially when the questions are really easy.

Amber F. (49:59)
So what are the easiest questions to ask? Well, think about filling out a form at the doctor's office. Where are you from? Are you married? Are you seeing anybody? How did you get here? How do you know the host? All those types of very easy questions. Just think about filling out a form at the doctor's office. I love asking people about their families, their parents, their siblings, where they grew up. And then here's the key. Tell me more about that. What do you do for work? Oh, I'm a doctor. Oh, interesting. Tell me more about that. Oh, I'm a doctor of orthopedics. Oh, amazing. That's so interesting. Tell me more about that. Well, I break people's bones for a living. Okay, so you just keep asking, tell me more about that. That's the yes and. That's the improv part of talking to people that I think is so helpful. I also love thinking... Okay, so these are my two tricks. Thinking about the form of the doctor's office and then thinking about the calendar. How did you end up here? What's on your schedule for this weekend? Have you traveled anywhere recently? What's going on for you for the holidays?

Amber F. (50:59)
Think about the calendar and these moments in people's lives. What have you been doing this summer? Do you have any plans for 2024? What are you excited about next year? Just think about a calendar and that will help guide a conversation. And then you have to say yes and, and making sure that you're asking questions about them while also revealing more about yourself. Oh, you grew up in Fulsom. That's so cool. I know some cool girls from Fulsom too. Continuing the conversation so that it flows doesn't feel like an interrogation. You can practice this. You can practice this. It doesn't matter if you fuck up on vacation because you're never going to see those people again. So use that as an opportunity to get to talk to people. And then also to make that relationship happen, you've got to follow up. You have got to make it happen. You have to text them. You have to get their number. And I know that can be awkward, but you know my favorite quote from Tim Ferris. It's that your level of success is directly correlated with the number of times you can be uncomfortable. And it's not bad.

Amber F. (51:57)
It's like asking somebody out on a date. And you will be going on girl dates or boy dates or whatever dates when you're building your friendships, and it can be uncomfortable. You can feel fear of rejection. But what do you have to lose? When you go back to your journaling prompts that you started at the beginning of this, why are you looking for friendships? You want to share your life with people, I hope. I hope you want to bring value, have fun, enjoy wine, enjoy food, go to the movies, have concert friends, whatever it is that you want to build your life out with so that you can really enjoy it to the fullest, it's worth the risk to say, Can I get your Instagram handle? And then you can send a DM, Hey, do you want to come over for wine sometime? And that really brings me to the last thing that I wanted to bring up, which is really finding friends online. And I think that this is still getting a bad rap. We're totally over the stigma of online dating. We're all past it. We're not weirded out by that anymore. But for some reason, people are still really weirded out by Bumble BFF.

Amber F. (52:57)
And I've used it before, not with any luck, I'm going to be quite honest with you, but also just want to be really honest with where I'm at. My schedule is relatively full. I'm meeting people in real life all the time. I'm practiced at it. I'm constantly expanding my network in real life. So I haven't had to go on Bumble BFF recently. But especially if you've just moved to a new place or you're trying to get your foothold somewhere, I think this could be a really valuable tool. But you want to know how I have digitally found a lot of friends is Facebook. And you're like, what, bitch? You're such a boomer. You're on Facebook. But Facebook groups, and I'm a social media strategist as well, I'm just leading my company. And I'm telling you right now that this is the number one place that businesses and people are missing out because the only reason anyone is on Facebook anymore is for the groups. And the groups that I've had the most success in have been podcast groups. I'm in Jenna Kutcher's Facebook group. I'm in The Toast's Facebook group. The Toast has a million subgroups.

Amber F. (53:58)
I'm in there for a San Diego group, for a marketing group. I'm in a bunch of these podcast groups. And that is where the magic happens because those are people who find the same things that you do funny, entertaining, or valuable. Therefore, your basis of friendship is locked and loaded on a common interest and shared values right away. So when I see people that are also toasters and I meet them in the wild, I'm like, Oh, I get you. We're on the same playing field. We 100 % can relate. So with that, my question for those of you that are still listening to this episode is, would a Rich Girl podcast group be of value to you for The Old Money podcast? Because I think that we have a lot of women here that are interested in getting to know one another and are looking for rich friends. And I really want to do justice to the amazing women that are writing in here and being a part of this group. But I want to know if you want to invest your time there as well. So if a rich girl community is of value to you, I'll put this poll up on social media, I'd love to know where you want it to be.

Amber F. (55:07)
Do you want it to be on Slack, on Facebook, on Circle, just on a private Instagram? Within the existing Instagram, within the existing Instagram? How can you find your friends? Because there are women that are listening to this podcast that you don't know. And the reason I know that is because I don't know them. I don't know who's listening to this podcast. We have an incredible listenership so far. And I don't know this many people. I don't know tens of thousands of people. It's where all of these listeners are coming from. I'm not quite sure. I love you guys. I'm so happy you're here. So my point is, if you are looking for friendships and you want to deepen your relationships with the community of rituals who are looking to improve their lives, build their friendships, let me know. And let me know how I can support facilitating that for everybody in a way that feels really natural and helpful to you. I leave you with this. Jill Zaren runs in a fabulous circle of people, and so can you if you're intentional about it. And to be intentional about it, I think we need to have the framework for what type of friendships exist, what a good friend is, what a bad friend is, what your expectations of friendships are, and taking stock of the type of friend you want to be and the type of friend you want to have, and how you can be a high-quality friend to attract high-quality friends.

Amber F. (56:17)
Because as we know, high-quality people usually have pretty full calendars. So you're going to have to really bring something to the table to build friendships with people that are meaningful and rich and valuable. And we should try to do that because of having close relationships is such an amazing and beautiful part of being a human. If you are thinking it's lonely at the top and I can't find any people that are in my net worth group or that are where I'm going, it's lonely at the top is only true if you insist on being at the top all of the time. You can relate to people on a million different things, including values, shared interests, sports, hobbies, et cetera. And over time, you will find those people that you share values with. They may or may not be in your same tax bracket. But as you continue to live your rich life and you continue to be the best version of yourself, you will attract those people into your life that you can add value to and they will add value to you as well. So with that, please let me know if you want some group to meet other rich girls and what that would look like for you, how I can be of service to you in facilitating that.

Amber F. (57:26)
Thank you. Thank you for being part of my community, my friends. Whether I know you or not, I love you so much for being here. If this episode spoke to you, served you in any way, please share it on your Instagram story. Tag a friend in the comments of anything we post. Share it with them. The more women we can get in a rich girl gang, the wealthier we all will be. I love you guys so much. Thank you for being here and I'll talk to you on the next episode. Feeling rich? I hope so. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Old Money. If you have questions you want answered, email me at oldmoneypodcast@gmail. Com or hit us up on social. We are at Old Money Podcast and I am at your service. If this episode spoke to you, inspired you, helped you, if you took a single note, it would mean the world to me. If you could please just take a minute to write and review the podcast. And if you're not doing so already, subscribe. And if you have friends who like getting rich, please share this episode with them even if it's just on your Instagram story.

Amber F. (58:23)
And I'd love you more than Jeff Bezos loves Amazon Prime. Thank you so much and I will talk to you on the next episode. Remember, I'm not your lawyer, I'm not your tax professional, and I'm not your financial advisor. The content presented in this podcast is intended to entertain, educate, inspire, and support listeners and their personal and professional development and does not constitute business, financial, or legal advice. In addition to that, this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

Resources

Join fellow Real Estate Investors at BiggerPockets

Become a part of the world's largest leadership community of chief executives through YPO

Connect with fellow high-net-worth investors at Long Angle

Connect with the Old Money Podcast:

The content presented in this podcast is intended to entertain, educate, inspire and support listeners in their personal and professional development and does not constitute business, financial, or legal advice. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services for which individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services related to the episode.

Produced by AFMEDIA, a division of AFMKTG.