013. Ways to Protect your Peace: Setting Boundaries in Life & at Work

LifestyleMoney

Sep 26

Do you often find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't have the bandwidth for or simply don't want to?

In this insightful episode, you'll hear 11 practical and concrete scripts that you can practice with when setting boundaries in your personal and professional life. Remember: old money isn't just about what's in your bank account—it's also about feeling rich. Reclaim control over your time, energy, and emotions without the guilt. So grab a pen and paper, and get ready to take the next step to living a life on your own terms!

In today's episode, we cover the following:

Birdie and Bogey of the Week (1:26)

A message of love to the people pleasers out there (13:00)

Allowing your values to inform the boundaries you set (16:15)

Formula for boundaries (19:39)

Script #1: Loaning someone money (22:53)

Script #2: Spending time with people you don't want to hang out with (25:51)

Script #3: When you don't agree with someone (29:16)

Script #4: When you don't want to go to something (30:59)

Script #5: When someone says something hurtful to you (32:34)

Script #6: Setting boundaries with people you know well (35:13)

Script #7: Responding to "When are you getting married?" "When are you having a baby?" (39:32)

Script #8: Boss not respecting your time (42:20)

Script #9: Being asked to do something at work that you don't want to (45:19)

Script #10: When someone says that your prices are too high (47:57)

Script #11: Not having your time respected at work (48:50)

Boundaries take maintenance (51:30)

Hot Stock Tip of the Week: Read Pineapple Street (54:45)

Transcript

Amber F. (00:02)
Welcome to Old Money, a show dedicated to helping you build the trust fund you wish you were born with. Ladies who lunch, listen up. Life is not about looking rich. I want you to build a life and a legacy that feels rich in every sense of the word. If you're ready to stack cash, talk shop, and trade insider secrets, you're in the right place. These are the new rules to Old Money, so let's get after it. Hey, Rich Girls, welcome back to Old Money. I think this might be the most important episode that I've recorded so far. Today, we are talking all about boundaries. And I know this isn't a personal development resource, but it is. Becoming the best, most wealthy, rich version of yourself is going to take you protecting what matters to you. And I am a living, breathing example of how to fuck up boundaries, royally. I am going through it right now with a couple of different things that I can't wait to share with you regarding personal, business, et cetera, and how I'm navigating it. And you know that cheesy saying? They say, God gave you these mountains to show others that they can be moved.

Amber F. (01:18)
Well, today we're going into it. We're talking all about boundaries and what I've learned about mastering them. But before we get into that, let's check on this week's Birdie and Bogey. So a couple of episodes ago, I was talking about how I was waking up in the middle of the night, and it was that witching hour, 3:30 in the morning, and how that was driven by my cortisol and very high cortisol levels. The way that my inbox on Instagram blew up when I shared this. I'm not the only one going through very high cortisol, bad sleep, disregulation in general. And I have to say, on one hand, it's nice to know that we're not alone. And I shared this on Instagram. I think I had 36 DMs at one point of people saying, I can relate. I've been through this. It'll be okay. Or I'm still going through this. Share what you've learned. So here I am sharing what I've learned. So I'm certainly not healed. My cortisol levels are still extremely high, I'm sure. I'm getting more blood work done in about two months. But the self-care is on overdrive over here. So I've been going to cryotherapy to really calm my vagus nerve and really manage my own internal mechanisms around stress, right?

Amber F. (02:29)
So being in an incredibly cold, it's a full body chamber, very cold experience. When I come out of it, I do feel much more in control and calm because I've been able to self-regulate in an extremely stressful situation. So I've been trying that. I've also been doing red light therapy in a bed. They actually have this converted old tanning bed and they put red light in it. And it's feeling very much like the olden days of college in high school, getting in a tanning bed and how good that would make you feel afterwards. It's the same thing without the UV damage. So loving that. Thanks to a suggestion from my friend, Abby, I've been trying magnesium and collagen before bed. Now I've had a magnesium spray that I've used for a long time, and neither of them have really helped with that. So I don't know that I have... I also take ZMA and other minerals and Shilajit, so I don't know that I have a mineral deficiency, which can be the cause of people waking up in the middle of the night. I've also been changing my workouts, not doing hit workouts, but doing workouts with a trainer again so that my overall experience is a little bit more calm instead of chaotic.

Amber F. (03:33)
But I think the biggest thing about it all is really getting honest about where I'm at with everything that's going on in my life. And the level of cortisol, the level of stress that I'm carrying my body is really due to some factors that make me feel completely out of control. Whether it's some damaged relationships I'm trying to heal or trying to navigate around or some business challenges. And actually getting it down on paper has been the biggest thing to help me feel peace. So what I do, and for me, I have a whole bunch of different clients and team members and different people in my life or situations that are maybe stressing me out or maybe are good. And what I do is I write all of them down, and I write them down in two categories. Number one is like, I feel really good about this person, place, thing, example, whatever. And I feel at peace with it. And I know that I've, I always say, pushed the car on the track. Think about this analogy of if you have these little Matchbox race cars, right? Remember those tracks that you push them on, you try to race them against one another, I try to keep all of those cars pushed a little bit.

Amber F. (04:34)
Even just a maintenance push just to say hello or reach out to somebody to say I love you or I'm thinking about you or whatever it might be just to tend to those different relationships. And sometimes I can give it a bigger push, and sometimes I can't give it very much of a push at all, but I just want to make sure I'm touching each of the cars on my track to give them some momentum in my life. But for the cars on the track that feel stuck, that feel challenging, that feel like they're going in reverse or they're really just hurting my overall mental wellbeing, I write those down on the other side of the column. Those are the ones that need some attention. And then I actually think and brainstorm, Can I take action on this? Or am I just being sensitive to the circumstances? And how can I find peace within those circumstances? So to give you an idea, I have a huge business dispute going on right now with another company. And I have in good faith negotiated for the last seven weeks of trying to reach resolution. And I've even pulled in some legal counsel and spending a lot of money and time in trying to solve this problem for this other person.

Amber F. (05:34)
And they've just been completely unreasonable, challenging to deal with, and very unkind to me. And I have to recognize that what's going on in their life has nothing to do with what I've done. But I have to also acknowledge that my lack of boundaries in this situation has caused it to get to this place. So I need to make new decisions moving forward. Anyway, taking it out of my brain, putting it into a second brain, whether it's on a piece of paper or in a digital format, that really helps me feel detached from it. I've done what I can about it instead of it just living in my brain and me ruminating on it over and over and over again. I was talking to my therapist about this, and she gave me a lot of confidence in the fact that not only are we not alone, but it really is circumstantial to our society right now. She says, especially here in Southern California, we're literally fighting for our lives, driving on the five. We're literally fighting for our jobs so that we can continue to pay rent. The dating pool for those who are out there is so competitive and hyper-stressful.

Amber F. (06:32)
We have these jobs that are high-powered, and we're trying to be so much in so many different areas of life. And it's no wonder that we've become junkies for this cortisol chemical. And one of the things that she has really helped me with is setting boundaries in my life better to manage my own stress. And I think this is the absolute crux of living an old money life. When you imagine somebody that's old money, and I had somebody write me this on DM that they have an old money grandma who's just unbothered, like can't give a rip. And that's a life I aspire to live. With respect, of course, I want to make sure that the people in my life, the situations in my life are all really positive ones. But living your life on your own terms, that is the definition of wealth if I've ever heard it. But the thing is that we're going to be confronted with these challenges all the time. And it's my belief that all of these different situations are testing that muscle of getting stronger and getting better at expressing our boundaries and setting limits and being available when it's reasonable, which brings me to my bogey.

Amber F. (07:41)
If you follow me on my personal social media, you might have seen this Instagram story because I woke up on Saturday and I was so irritated by this email that I had gotten. And I posted about it on social media and I put up a poll and I want you to think about how you would answer it. So essentially on Friday afternoon, I was triaging emails before the weekend was up and one popped in my inbox that said, are you able to get on a call today to give a reference for this former consultant that you work with? And I love that consultant. And I said, absolutely, here's a link to... I'm not available today is what I said, but here's a link to booking with me. I think I have availability on Tuesday. I look forward to connecting with you then. They wrote back and said, We need to make a decision quickly. So do you have time today or on Monday? And I wrote back and I said, If there are no times available in my link to book an appointment, I'm not available. But I look forward to speaking with you on Tuesday.

Amber F. (08:31)
And when I woke up on Saturday morning, I had an email in my inbox from them that said, We're moving quickly on a decision and we expect your response to these questions no later than end of day Monday. Oh, my God. And they had like, I think, seven questions in there that they wanted me to answer in-depth about this consultant. And quite frankly, it would take me longer to do all the research, look it up and write it out in an email than it would for us to have a 15-minute conversation when I actually have time in my schedule to dedicate and give this consultant the review that they deserve. And I was so upset by their complete lack of respect for my boundaries. And I mean, upset in the way that I was irritated, not like I'm up in arms about it, but like, Oh, my gosh. And what came to mind for me was, does this consultant know that these are the types of expectations they're putting on a stranger they're asking for a favor from, by the way? And how inappropriate is that? And what a red flag to if you work for them?

Amber F. (09:29)
That's going to be the type of standards that they're going to expect. I was grappling with, do I mind my business and have time on my calendar to respond on Tuesday? And God willing, if nothing else comes up, I will. Or do I warn this consultant? And I put the poll up on my Instagram and I think 48 people responded and said, You absolutely have to tell the consultant about what was going on. One person said, don't tell them. So it was overwhelming that I needed to tell this consultant. Well, lucky for me, she ended up seeing the Instagram story that I posted and she knew right away. She said, Oh, my God, is this supposed to be my warning? And I wish it wouldn't have gone down that way. I wish I could have found a more elegant way to approach her about it. But I said, I'm so sorry you saw it this way. Yes, I wasn't sure if I should share it with you, but I think it's a good illustration of their culture, and I just wanted you to know how they were communicating with me. And she was appreciative. And I acknowledge whether you decide to work with them or not, at least now you have the information to make that decision.

Amber F. (10:33)
I love that saying of when people tell you who they are, believe them, because these red flags happen in our lives so many times, and we often... And I'm not even talking about people who are quote-unquote, out-diagnosed people-pleasers. I mean, as human beings, we're hardwired to cooperate and to find compromise and to figure out a way for everybody to get along. And more importantly, a lot of us are hardwired reasonably so to avoid conflict and to make people like us or hope that they like us or be accommodating and thoughtful. And we expect that we're going to get the same thing in return, but that's not always the case. So when you don't have strong boundaries in place, it can be really hard to manage your own life. And I mean your time, your emotions, and your energy. Because boundaries give you permission to focus on yourself and make yourself a priority over what other people need from you. So for example, with this company that was asking for a referral, it's a perfect illustration of the saying poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Absolutely. I have no need to respond to you on your timeline when I have my own personal life, my own clients, my own team members that I already have things planned with today, Monday, and Tuesday, unless there's a spot in my calendar, but I also don't owe them that explanation.

Amber F. (11:54)
It's common courtesy that people would be respectful of that, right? You would think. But when you set boundaries, it's about being true to your authentic self, not just pushing people away or rebelling or trying to control their behavior. Because boundaries are about kind and clear communication that emphasize how you are going to respond to people, not how you want them to respond to you, okay? Healthy boundaries look like you protecting yourself energetically and also protecting your time, making sure that you're not overcommitted and you're not taking care of everybody else to stuff first without leaving time for yourself and your own goals. It means authentically speaking to what's important to you and setting limits with others without feeling guilty. And again, I recognize that doing this, especially with people who you haven't set boundaries with before, is incredibly stressful. So today I want to give you 11 different examples, 11 different scripts for how to set boundaries in different areas of your life. But before we get into that, a couple of just blanket statements about it. Again, I really want to acknowledge for people who claim that they're people-pleasers or I think, again, people that are just human and want to avoid conflict, I know how hard this can be.

Amber F. (13:09)
But as you know, the whole old money idea is based on a set of values that I've spent a lot of time thinking about what matters to me and what matters in my wealthy life and what type of values can I learn from old money families to apply to today. But one of the things I want to underscore is that when you have very clear values about yourself or your life, setting boundaries becomes incredibly easy. And the reason for that is because once you know what you value as a human or in your own life or your relationships, it becomes something that's ingrained in you as a part of your personality. It becomes part of your identity, and it becomes something that you're just informing people with. You are not pushing people, you are not trying to control their behavior, but you're trying to share what your values are and how what's happening is not aligned with your values. This is not you coming from a place of being reactive or swayed when something big happens and you just don't feel like dealing with it, so you push people away. This is coming from a place of calm, certainty where you're not reactive and you're setting boundaries about what's important to you.

Amber F. (14:13)
Some of my values are that my time is incredibly valuable and so is yours. What I mean by that is for my clients, for example, I make sure to deliver on the hours I'm supposed to work for them, the meetings that we have. I'm always early, I'm not late on deadlines. And if there is something that comes up that's going to interfere with me delivering on what I promised, I'm proactively communicating that with my clients. But my time is as valuable as theirs is, which means that when they reschedule meetings at the last minute, when they don't show for things, when they want to make last-minute changes, when they have some chaos happening in their life, and then it trickles outside of my business hours, it does infringe on my time because my time is incredibly valuable. And I respect their personal time, and I want mine to be respected as well. So we'll talk about that. The other thing is that my energy is a limited resource and very valuable to me. I only have so much energy to give every single day. And a lot of times my energy can get so scattered and frayed that I don't even have energy left to give to myself or my dog or my boyfriend or my mother or whomever it is.

Amber F. (15:19)
And so a lot of times what I think comes up with building new relationships or meeting new people is that it can be hard to balance all of these commitments when you might not be even taking care of some of the relationships that are closest to you or most important to you. Another thing is that I always take extreme ownership. That is a value that is really important to me. And so in my relationships, I do want that from others as well. Now it's not always possible, and that's where the negotiation comes in, which we'll talk about. But I do really take ownership for how I show up places, and I'm always first to admit that when in conflict. But if people are not willing to meet me with that, it's a big non-starter for me. So because I value extreme ownership, that really determines the quality of relationships that I have in my life, who I let into my life, and it also allows me to set boundaries firmly with people who I know can't meet that expectation. I ask you when you're developing your values, what's most important to you? Is it your personal time, your family, your energy, your space, your personal space?

Amber F. (16:22)
Is it the type of friendships that you have in your life or the quality of conversations that you have? Which conversations are draining you? Which people are giving you energy? How are you contributing to those relationships? All of these are really good questions to ask as you're determining what you value and what type of boundaries are going to be worth enforcing for you. So when you're starting out in setting boundaries, I recommend practicing with low stakes conversations or with people who can meet you where you're at and support you in this development. So it might be with a friend, for example, sharing with them, hey, I'm trying to practice boundaries, and I would be open to practicing with you if you're willing. Could we ask each other if we have capacity for a heavier conversation before we launch into it? That's something that a good friend and I do with each other like, Hey, do you have capacity for this right now? And then we can say yes or no with grace and love knowing that, okay, that person is expressed, they need to have a heavy conversation. So I'm going to come back around when I have the emotional capacity to do so.

Amber F. (17:21)
Nothing builds confidence like success, and nothing builds success like confidence. So setting boundaries and having it work out in the low stakes areas of your life with friends and family that you can trust is a really good way to build that muscle of setting these boundaries. That's exactly what this is. It's building a muscle just like you'd go to the gym, right? It's going to be uncomfortable at times, but it does get better and then you get stronger. The other thing is that getting comfortable with disappointing people is going to be a big practice for a lot of us. I even still feel uncomfortable having a disagreement with my boyfriend, even if it's just about where we want to order dinner from on Uber Eats. I want so much to be aligned and have things to be easy, and I honestly do not like conflict, so I like to go along to get along. But sometimes I need to speak up for myself, and it makes me uncomfortable. Even when it has no stakes involved in it, it's just where we're getting dinner. I recognize so deeply that the avoidance of conflict and the wantingness to be liked is so important to us as humans.

Amber F. (18:22)
A lot of the times we actually erode our own boundaries because we want to be perceived as a nice person or to show that you care about them. So you put your own comfortability aside in order to tend to the needs of others. But again, I just said you're putting your own needs aside for somebody else. And I'm here to tell you that people who are not respectful of your boundaries in the first place are not going to be respectful of your boundaries in the second place. And what that means is that if you've already reneged on a boundary that you set with somebody once, they're going to take advantage of it again. There's that famous saying is the only people who do not like you having boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having them in the first place is so true. So if you let somebody speak to you in a certain way, that doesn't make you feel comfortable, but you allow it without setting a new expectation for how that's going to go down, you're going to let them know that you're okay with that, and they're going to be fine getting away with it again in another time.

Amber F. (19:23)
So before we get into some scripts, because like I said, setting boundaries with people, especially authority figures like parents or bosses, that shit is scary. So I have some ideas for you, but I also have a formula for you to consider of how I structure my conversations around boundaries. I just want to say, and we're going to talk about this later, this is just step one in opening the conversation to setting boundaries. Boundaries are not like you giving a statement and then the other person complies. It is an opening to a conversation. And this is the way that I usually approach setting a boundary. Number one, I give appreciation for what's going on for the other person. Acknowledgement, okay? I acknowledge where they're coming from, and I'm basically stating the facts non-judgmentally. So, for example, I appreciate your invitation. The second step is I'm expressing the truth for me about the request. I appreciate your invitation. However, I don't have the bandwidth to join you for that event, and this is the next thing, be clear with your needs because I'm focusing on my own self-care and I don't want to be around a lot of drinking.

Amber F. (20:33)
And step number four is an and statement. Not but, an and, and I'll get to that in a second, offer a next step. I don't want to be around a lot of drinking, and it's really important to me that we still spend time together, so maybe we can find something else that we can do. That and statement leads into offering a next step. So again, the steps are acknowledgement and appreciation. Number two, expressing the truth for yourself about the request. Number three, being really clear with your needs. Number four, giving an and statement that's going to offer a next step. The reason I say an and statement is because after you say but, people usually completely wipe out everything you said before the but. So you say, I want to hang out with you, but blank, blank, blank. They don't hear, I want to hang out with you. They just hear all of the reasons or excuses why. And so what we want to do is make both things true. A but statement almost devalues the words that you say before the but. For example, I want to hang out with you, but the drinking makes me feel uncomfortable.

Amber F. (21:37)
The drinking makes me feel uncomfortable more valuable than the fact that I want to hang out with you. So if you say, The drinking makes me feel uncomfortable, and I still want to hang out with you, so maybe we can figure out a way for that to happen, is a really good way to set a boundary with love and respect to the other person. One more note before we get into some of these scenarios and scripts, some of them that you've written me for answers on. But the last thing that I want to say is about the means of communication. Typically, these types of conversations work best in person or over the phone. I see a lot of these conversations happening over email and text, and I am big about nipping that in the bud and not having conversations over email or text because you lose tonality, things can be misinterpreted, and it just spirals. And then you're going back and forth with all these paragraphs of arguments, and it's like, That's not even what I meant to say. And then you're just spending so much time about the content of the thing that you're not getting to the context, which is, This isn't working for me and I want to move forward.

Amber F. (22:37)
Let's get into some of these scenarios. I have 11 scenarios. About half of them have been written in from people who are asking different questions. Now, they're not necessarily asking, Can you script a boundary for me? But I'll give you an example with this first one. The first one is about loaning somebody money. I had somebody write me on Instagram and say, I really want to achieve my financial goals, but my family is always asking me to loan them money and it's setting me back on my financial goals. That's heavy. And that's a really hard boundary to set, especially if you've loaned people money in the past and then all of a sudden you're saying that you're not available to do that anymore. So number one, I want to commend you for setting that boundary and figuring out a way to move forward with love and respect for yourself first and love and respect for your family members. So here's a couple of things I try on for size. Somebody is asking you to borrow money. It's okay to use an I statement. It's actually better to use an I statement instead of making it about them or pointing the finger.

Amber F. (23:38)
It's about how it makes you feel. So, for example, here's a script I would try on. I feel uncomfortable when you ask me to borrow money because it complicates our relationship and makes things feel unbalanced for me. To move forward, I need to be able to be your friend, cousin, sibling without our relationship involving money. Or here's another one. I feel uncomfortable about lending out money because in the past, trying to true up who owes what is very hard. It puts a strain on our relationship, and it's also putting me in a hard spot financially because when I have money loaned out, I'm not able to achieve my own financial goals. I love you very much and I need you to find another solution that does not involve me. I understand and empathize with where you're at. That must feel so stressful to need to ask for money and I'm so sorry. At this time, I have my own financial goals and being asked to lend money makes me feel like my goals are not as important to you. Unfortunately, I'm not able to lend you money anymore, and I hope that we can continue to have a close relationship without money involved.

Amber F. (24:41)
So what I've done there are three different scripts, three different scenarios, but I'm really acknowledging the feelings that I'm having around this ask. I'm using words like and instead of but, and I'm also really emphasizing my love and care for that person while setting a strong boundary of what I'm not available for. In fact, back to the and and but statement too. I heard this thing about Apple at The genius bar. They are not allowed to use the word, unfortunately. They always use the word as it turns out. Or I guess that's not a word, it's a phrase. As it turns out, your iPad's broken because you dropped it in the toilet. Not, Unfortunately, we can't fix your iPad, but as it turns out. And what that does is it gives a bit of separation between the situation and the person presenting the information. The word unfortunately also implies a bit of negative connotation, and as it turns out, as a phrase, makes it seem like I've really researched this and I'm coming back to you with new information as the genius and the genius bar. I love that tip and I think it really does apply here in boundary setting as well.

Amber F. (25:47)
Let's move on to situation number two, which if you're very blessed and people want to spend time with you, but you might not necessarily want to spend time with them, it's setting boundaries around not spending time or hanging out with people that you don't want to hang out with. And here's the thing. It's not always your prerogative to tell them why you don't want to hang out with them, but it is your prerogative to set a strong boundary around it. So it's about your priorities, not the other person's. If you're being confronted with asks for coffee dates, lunch dates, going out, whatever it might be, this is the boundary I set the most in my life because I do get a lot of people asking for my time. Can I pick your brain? Is an entrepreneur's worst nightmare to hear, even though it's so beneficial, honestly, when you're growing in your career. But it's really hard to be able to have the bandwidth to take care of everything. Again, I have to take care of my team, my clients, my family, my dog, myself, all of these other commitments that I have. And often, yeah, a 30-minute conversation can derail my entire day because I'm pouring a lot of energy into somebody.

Amber F. (26:46)
So let's start with that one. For example, can I pick your brain? Can I take you a coffee? Hey, I really appreciate where you're at, and I'm honored that you reached out to me. At this time, I do not have the bandwidth for any additional commitments outside of my company, but I wish you all of the best, and I hope we can connect at an event in the future, or send me a message and I'll respond to it on the podcast so I can help it reach more people. That's one of the reasons why I started this podcast, because I was getting all of these questions from recent grads, and a lot of them are the same questions, and it's more efficient for me to scale my message in a repeatable format than having all these one-on-one calls like I've been doing for the last 10 years. It really was eating up a lot of time, which would be better spent consolidating into one spot. However, if it's a social engagement that you're trying to get out of, so to speak, if you've been confronted by somebody who's pestering you to hang out and you don't want to hang out with them, same formula applies.

Amber F. (27:39)
It's about a level of kindness. It's not about them, it's about you. It's not your responsibility to tell other people that they're not right for you, but it is your responsibility to set boundaries in your life. So the key, again, is not using the word but and using that formula, okay? So, for example, I appreciate the invitation. As it turns out, right now, I'm really focused on spending time with my immediate friends and family. And while I appreciate the invitation, I'm going to decline. I wish you all the best and thank you again. Or I appreciate the invitation. As it turns out, some of our last interactions didn't leave me feeling so good. So at this time, I'm going to decline the invitation. And in the future, I hope we're able to have a deep conversation about this because I honor your feelings and our relationship, and I hope to repair it. Okay, so that's a good example of when something's not going right or somebody's going off the rails, grandma's drinking too much, and this invitation needs to be passed up and you need to gather your thoughts and get back to them later.

Amber F. (28:36)
The biggest thing is stating that it's okay that you don't have time for everything. Time is not an unlimited resource. It's okay to say, I appreciate the invitation. Right now, I'm making different decisions. I don't have the bandwidth for that. Thank you, but no, no is a complete sentence. And I hope I get to connect with you in a different way in the future. Because you don't have to connect with people on their terms only. You get to connect with people on both of your terms being aligned. So maybe again, it's at an event, it's you guys connecting in a less formal setting. You run into them, whatever, wishing the best for them, wishing them well, but not making their agenda your priority. Okay, going on to the third one. When you just disagree with somebody on anything in general, whether it's a friend, a family member, again, acknowledging the other person's feelings. I appreciate you sharing that, and I can understand how you're feeling hurt. With that being said, I have a different interpretation of events and I disagree with your approach or your assessment. Or I appreciate hearing your opinion, but I'm not prepared to change my mind on this, or That has not been my experience.

Amber F. (29:42)
I would like it at this point if we could just agree to disagree, and I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding at a different time when emotions are less heightened. I think that's the biggest thing, too. It's okay to punct something if you're going to talk about it at a later time and you can commit to having a conversation about it later. But if you disagree with somebody, just coming up against them and trying to fight back with your facts, you have to acknowledge that that person has their own interpretation of events, and it's not your job to change their minds. In fact, a lot of the times that's where I've gone wrong as I've spun my wheels trying to get people to see things from my perspective, but their perspectives are so clouded by their own influences, by their own experiences that the reality is we might have very different interpretations of things, even if it's as black and white as a scope of work and a contract. And that is really a challenging place to be. So if you disagree with someone, again, the formula is appreciate, acknowledge where they're coming from, state the facts in a non-judgmental way, express the truth for you.

Amber F. (30:42)
Hey, I understand what you're saying and how your emotions might be high, but that is not how I see things at all and be clear with your needs. And I don't appreciate the way that you're speaking to me right now, and we're going to need to find a different way to communicate about this in the future or over email, in writing, whatever it might be. The next one that I have is when you don't want to go to something. This is like the number two, don't want to hang out. However, what I was thinking about with this is especially in family dynamics, when traditions change. Now, I know a lot of you out there have your traditions with your family that you dread, like going home for the holidays or going home every Thanksgiving or doing the same ski trip, and you get stuck in these routines that just don't serve you. It's coming up on the holidays now, and I've already heard some of those conversations happening. So in respect to that, especially when you're going up against family. And I shouldn't say going up against, but I should say having these conversations with families that maybe you haven't had before, so setting boundaries can be uncomfortable.

Amber F. (31:39)
How about this? I appreciate the invitation and the tradition. As my life has changed, my family has grown, as I've gotten more busy with work, whatever that fact is, I'm looking forward to doing something different for the holidays. I know this might be disappointing to you, and I know this is different than how we've done things in the past, and I appreciate your understanding and I love you very much and I hope you can be supportive of me and maybe next year I'll come back. Okay, so you see how I said, And I appreciate your understanding, that's something they teach you in sales. It's called the presumptive close. When you get ahead of the thank you for the action that you're expecting, it actually does encourage people to comply with your request. So this is something to be used for good and not evil. But when you say, And I appreciate your understanding and I love you very much, it really does give that person the opportunity to understand you. The next one that I have on the list is when somebody says something hurtful to you directly and you don't appreciate it. This is when, as the Countess Luann would say, somebody says something all uncool.

Amber F. (32:42)
And what you want to say is be cool. Don't be all uncool. But the reality is they probably won't get your reference and they don't know who the Countess Luann de la Seps is. So what I would be suggesting instead would be something along the lines of this. It's really upsetting to me when you make comments like that. I would appreciate if you would stop. If those comments don't stop, I will be exiting this conversation, or I will be leaving, or I will not be engaging with this. I hope you can appreciate where I'm coming from because it is a sensitive place for me. So something that's hurtful, this could be said in families, in friendships, in work. When somebody says something hurtful, whether it's intentional or unintentional, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, somebody who has strong boundaries can stand up and just acknowledge that it makes them feel uncomfortable instead of just going along to get along. Because when somebody says something about something that you're sensitive about, whether it's your work performance, your appearance, your weight, your personality, your family, your friends, anything about yourself, it's okay to set a boundary to say that that makes you feel sad or hurt, uncomfortable, whatever it might be.

Amber F. (33:53)
And it's your job to make sure that you do stop that in its tracks or else it will continue. So again, it's very when you make comments like that, and I would appreciate if you would stop. If they don't stop, I will be leaving this conversation, hanging up this call. And I appreciate you being aware of my sensitivity. Now, if somebody saying something unintentionally hurtful, they're more than likely going to fall all over themselves to apologize and say, Oh, my God, I didn't know that you were sensitive about that, and I'm so, so sorry. One of the things that I've learned about myself, I'm incredibly sensitive. I might be more sensitive than other people. And I used to think that I would have to temper what I was sensitive about because it felt like I was sensitive about everything, like I was a live wire. But what I've learned over time is that maybe some things do matter to me more than others, and what I can offer people is the benefit of the doubt. So again, if somebody said something and it's unintentional, you might know that it's unintentional. It's okay to soft start up with them by saying, Hey, I don't think you meant it this way, but this is the way that it came across to me.

Amber F. (34:55)
It made me feel really sad, and I would appreciate if we could adjust the way that we talk about my weight, appearance, marital status, apartment, clothing, et cetera. So again, it's okay to use a soft start-up and meet people where they're at. Give them the benefit of the doubt when you are trying to establish a boundary with them. Let's talk about old friendships because this is something that I've really messed up on in my life. I have broken up and ended two really significant friendships in my life because I felt like I was dealing with a type of people that weren't going to hear me out anyway and would continue to railroad me. And so as opposed to really giving them the grace of saying, Hey, this relationship isn't working for me anymore, I literally Irish goodbye them. I don't know if Irish goodbye is appropriate to say, but I apologize if it's not. Anyway, my point is that with old friendships, there are some old friendships that can easily fade out of your life, and you can just not attend to them as more. Your priorities can shift. You can set some boundaries about you not being available to be with them.

Amber F. (35:58)
But if you need to have a conversation with somebody about not spending time with them or really not being close with them anymore, it does, in my opinion, warrant a hard conversation. And that is something that I regret not doing to a couple of people in my life. But I will tell you this, removing those people from my life changed my life exponentially. Because when you're giving your energy towards managing relationships with people who are unkind to you or who, like I say, railroad you, who talk down to you, who demean you, who put their values on you and don't let you have your own experience, that is not a healthy relationship. And a lot of the times we just have Stockholm syndrome. We've been friends with these people since high school, so we'll just have to forgive them for being that way. Or, Gosh, grandma's just old. Of course, she's racist. No, if it doesn't work for you, it's your responsibility to stand up and say something about it, regardless of the history that's there. Another tactic you can use in setting boundaries, especially with somebody that you know well, is saying something to open it up like, This is hard for me to say.

Amber F. (36:59)
And I think doing that really does disarm people right away, because when you acknowledge that you're uncomfortable, it is like the elephant in the room gets exposed and everybody can deal with it. So this is hard for me to say, but I am not comfortable hanging out with you in this capacity anymore because when I leave, I feel beat down and I feel like you don't care for me in the way that I expect a friendship to be. Or this is hard for me to say, but I'm going to need to step away from our close relationship because it's not healthy for me to X, Y, Z, or it hurts me when X, Y, Z. One of the things that I also want to caution around is putting timing on stuff like, It's not comfortable for me right now. Well, when is it going to change? Because right now indicates that when the calendar month changes or the calendar year, you might be comfortable with it. But if the circumstances of the relationship don't change, then you're still going to continue to not be comfortable with it, regardless of the changing of times. Do you know what I mean?

Amber F. (37:59)
So what I mean by that is saying, Until this changes, I'm not comfortable with it. Not just right now is not a good time for me. And the same thing goes for getting out of engagements with people or people you don't want to hang out with. Maybe it is a very busy season in your life right now, or maybe you don't want to hang out with that person ever again. And that's why I like to stay away from these time boundaries, because if you don't want to hang out with somebody because they're offensive to you, they've hurt you, that's not something you want to say, I'm not comfortable right now. It's, Hey, let's be really honest. The way that we interact is really challenging for me, and I'm not interested in spending time there until that changes. Versus, Right now is a busy season, and I'll be back to hang out after the holidays. Does that make sense? So here again, with the friendships, the old friendships, not everything has to be a confrontation. Again, I do believe, and this might be an unpopular opinion, that it's okay to phase people out of your life.

Amber F. (38:55)
You are not meant to be the same friends with the same people for the end of eternity. You're going to grow. They're going to grow. Things are going to change. And also in my friendships, there's a lot of grace, and I hold this for my friends, and I think they do for me as well. They have kids right now. I'm not in that stage of life. We might not be as close as we were. Or I'm building a business and I have a push season and I might not be as available as I once was. Things ebb and flow, and a good friendship is able to withstand that. But a bad friendship is one that you do need to exit gracefully from, and it's your responsibility to stand up and say so. So here's another one that I got a question about, which was the dreaded question of, When are you getting married and when are you having a baby? Everybody acknowledges how fucking annoying this is when people ask this question. I think it is so incredibly uncomfortable, but you have to recognize that most of the time it's not meant to be rude.

Amber F. (39:49)
Most people have the best of intentions, and they don't recognize that their prism of reality has nothing to do with your prism of reality. So when somebody bluntly asks When are you having a baby and you've been trying to get pregnant for a year? They just don't have the lenses on to even consider that as an opportunity, which is why it's rude. But it's not intended to be rude most of the time. Most of the time it's meant to be like, I care about you, I love to see what's happening in your life and I want to know what's next. However, if those questions make you feel uncomfortable, it's your absolute right to set a boundary around them. I appreciate your questions and I assume they're coming from a loving place. However, they make me feel uncomfortable and I don't want to talk about that. I appreciate your understanding. Okay, how does that sound? Or I appreciate your questions and assume they're coming from a loving place, but if I want to share details about my dating life, I will come to you with those pieces of information on my own terms, okay? Or I'm not comfortable answering that question, and I would appreciate if we change the subject.

Amber F. (40:51)
All of those things are completely okay to say and a really good way to deflect from some of those uncomfortable situations. Now, let's transition. We've talked a lot about interpersonal relationships, but I think where this really comes into play is career and in the workplace, because in a professional setting, this can be really challenging to navigate because a lot of the time saying yes to things is a way for us to advance our career. If there's an unhealthy workplace culture that we've come into, it might be the norm already. And setting boundaries is really going against the grain, or you might lose favor in the eyes of management. All of these fears that come in, right? I totally get it. One of the most important things to remember in business is that getting things in writing is your boundary, is your protection. It is your responsibility as well. Contracts keep friends. Having things in writing make it black and white so we know what the expectations are on either side. That can look like a contract. That could look like a clear scope of work. It could look like an FAQ page on your website or in your client onboarding.

Amber F. (41:55)
It could be a note on your business hours and your email signature. It could be your job description that has all of their duties listed in it. All of those things written out make boundaries really proactively clear in the workplace. And it does happen often that those things get degraded, so here's how to back out of that. The number one thing that I see as an issue is respect for time. Had somebody DM me and say, Help me, my boss is constantly messaging me on the weekends and at night, and I cannot get my side hustle done because I'm always working on stuff for my boss. This is huge. Whether you have a side hustle or not, having your own time is your time. And I think it's really interesting because I've actually been going through this weekend of somebody who's trying to change a last-minute meeting on me. He's asking me to come early, change locations, do the thing. And the reality is I don't have the ability to come earlier because my mornings are sacred to me. I walk my dog. By the way, Justin's at the gym with the car. I get the car when he comes back from the gym.

Amber F. (42:58)
We have our internal schedule. I'm not going to inconvenience or mess up his schedule that we've already agreed on to accommodate a client's last-minute request. My answer plainly is I'm not available. But they don't need to know all of the back-end detail of why I'm not available. That's my business, not theirs. They know what my commitments are. I have accepted my meeting requests and location as previously said. And so on the respect for time thing, it's okay to say, Hey, when you message me on the weekends or ask for things outside of my scope, and it makes me feel like you don't respect my personal time. This contract, this relationship, this job is very important to me, but I'm not able to uphold those commitments. I just used a butt. I want to examine if that's okay. I feel like your expectation is that I just work longer hours or be available when you need me, and that's not sustainable for me long term. How can we find a solution to this? So I think a big thing there is, how can we find a solution to this? That's the key in all of these equations, is giving people the direction of the next place to go.

Amber F. (44:02)
And if you are in an employee or a client services role, it's often your responsibility, the onus is on you to come up with the first solution as a compromise. For example, I know how busy things are, and I know when you Slack me after hours, it's because you have things on your mind, but it makes it really difficult for me to disconnect. And it also makes me feel like my personal time does not matter. I want to contribute meaningfully to this project within the scope of work I have. I will be turning my Slack notifications for the weekend, but I'd like to commit with you and talk about my priorities moving forward. Again, if you're in a culture or work culture, turning off your Slack notifications, your email might not be part of the culture that's there, and that might be something that you need to negotiate. Maybe you have your Slack notifications off once a weekend or twice a weekend or whatever it might be. But that's also your responsibility of buying into that culture and going and surviving with it. And unfortunately, that's a really hard place to be, and that's where the decision comes in.

Amber F. (44:59)
Is this something that's sustainable for me or is this something that I have to leave the room from? For example, when grandma is being a bitch about your weight and you tell her to stop and she doesn't, you're going to need to leave the room and uphold your boundaries. And if you set boundaries at work that are reasonable and they're not upheld, then it's going to be your responsibility to leave the room, and that's on you. How about being asked to do something that you don't want to do professionally? The reality is there's only so many hours in the day and there's only so much energy and bandwidth that we have to give to these projects. And we often say yes to things because we feel carrieded by the opportunities. It's like, Oh, this is a good project to get some visibility. This is a good way to get ahead. Or, If I want to be a manager, I need to do more things, things like that. We do have a choice on what we take on and what we don't. And I'm going to tell you, and this is my number one thing I do wrong with my team, is I think that they can't take on too much and I protect them.

Amber F. (45:53)
But I rely on my team to tell me when they can't do things, cannot complete everything, and they're going to need to be responsible to tell me what they can and cannot do. So when we are faced with this, and first of all, when you just have that emotional response because work is stressful and you probably already have so many things on your plate, and you're in a meeting and somebody goes, Amber, you can take care of the research for that project, right? And your emotional reaction is, Fuck, I can't do anything more. I'm already doing so much. How do they not see? That is not the right time to communicate your boundaries. You need to take some time, set a meeting, have a conversation, be prepared, have an opportunity to say things, Hey, these are my tasks and current priorities. I heard you assign me this new research project in the meeting. Can you please help me reprioritize what I already have on my plate? Because I do not have enough bandwidth to do this all. Also, it's a great idea to say thank you. Hey, I appreciate you thinking of me for this project.

Amber F. (46:49)
It makes me feel good to be acknowledged for being able to contribute. But at this time, I'm already feeling overwhelmed, and I don't think I can manage this request with everything else that I have on my plate. Can we revisit my priorities, or can we look at what the next nine weeks will look like, or can we look at where I can get some assistance with this? Or even better, if you have a coworker who's asking you to help on things, Hey, sadly, I cannot help with that. I'm just not qualified for that type of work, or I don't have the bandwidth for it, or The timing of this is not good for me right now. Can you keep me in mind for next project? Or How about you try that out on your own first and then I can help you? Let me point you in the right direction. Or, Hey, I enjoyed helping you last time, but right now I don't have the bandwidth to assist. Good luck. And really setting that boundary. I've been in the position where setting those boundaries has made me come off like not a team player, and that's a risk.

Amber F. (47:43)
And then it was my responsibility, and I should have done this proactively to communicate not just to my manager, but to my peers about where I was at with things and what I could and could not take on. So two more things on business. One of the things that I've been dealing with recently is people pushing back on prices. So how do you deal with somebody when they say your price is too high? Well, thanks to my business coach, she really helped me with this one. It is a response like, Hey, I appreciate your comments about budget, completely understand. However, to deliver the quality of work that we do, our prices are firm and they're in line with the market for this level of service. So we're here if you have any questions in the future, please let us know if there's anything else we can do to help. Firm, polite, but firm. Okay, firm, polite, but firm is like my new motto of, no, I'm not giving you a discount because that's how much the work costs and that's just how much it costs. Again, it does take responsibility on the back end to make sure that you are priced right in the market.

Amber F. (48:39)
And that's a whole other conversation because like the manifestation coaches say you can't just price yourself what you think you're worth. You have to really know where your level of service is and what you're allowed to charge for it. Anyway, there are a lot of instances where we get pulled in a lot of different directions for work or for personal volunteer, community, et cetera. And I want to read you something that I wrote to a group of women that I was in a committee with, and we had a lot of challenges in scheduling and then people showing up for our determined times. So without needing to explain all of the context, my schedule is jam-packed. Literally, I'm recording this podcast on nights and weekends because it's a creative outlet for me. But when you look at my calendar and Google, I am stacked top to bottom, not just with clients, but in doing the work that I need to do, in being there for my team of collaborating with consultants and organizing things administratively, I don't have a lot of extra time. So when we have a commitment on the calendar and then people don't show up for it, it really makes me feel like they don't value my time.

Amber F. (49:40)
So the situation, again, was I was in a committee and I was in a Zoom room by myself on a Friday morning and nobody was there. Here's the note that I wrote to the group. Hi, everyone. I'm in the Zoom room waiting right now. I'm sorry we're not connecting today. I've been blocking my calendar for these calls for many months in advance, and since they're inconsistent, I'm going to respectfully remove myself from the invite and from the Slack group moving forward. I really loved when we connected, but my time is too limited to block for inconsistent meetings and priorities are to continue to best maximize my available time. Thank you for your understanding. That was something that took me a while to script out, and what actually happened is a couple of other people in the group said, Actually, I'm feeling the same. Happy to disband if we need, but also want to explore other options if this is important to anybody else. And for me, I had already given my time and energy to this, so it wasn't something that I was going to pursue forward. But it actually opened up a conversation for the rest of the members of the group to have a productive conversation about recommitting and then really being honest about what their available time commitments were going to be.

Amber F. (50:44)
The last thing that I'll say is just an overall strategy for boundaries is really taking our feelings out of things and really making it about the facts. So this is something that another coach that I'm working with has really been helping me with a lot, is the facts versus the feelings. I could come in here and say, Hey, I feel like you guys are not respecting my time. I feel overwhelmed, et cetera. But sometimes that just muddles the conversation. And you can be really factual and really precise, especially in professional setting, to make sure that you don't get things muddled because it's not always appropriate to come in heavy with your emotions in a professional setting. I'm not saying that emotions don't matter in a professional setting. It's just we need to be judicious about when we bring feelings into them. Okay? One last thing about just boundaries in general. These are an opening to a conversation, not a statement that people are going to just immediately comply with your demands. These are conversations, and you need to be ready to continue the conversation after stating your boundary because you don't say something in a vacuum and then nobody responds.

Amber F. (51:50)
When you say, Grandma, when you say racist comments, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. And if they don't stop, I'm going to need to leave the room. And she retaliates just to expect that she's going to, and to I don't know what you're talking about. Well, it's your opportunity then to further the conversation and uphold the boundary. Because that's the thing about boundaries is they take maintenance. You can't set a boundary once and then never talk about it again. And again, it's not about just keeping people at arm's length, the Heisman Trophy vibe. You are trying to deepen your relationship with these people by expressing to them how you really feel about things. So reinforcing your feelings, your opinions, your statements of facts, whatever it might be. Again, remember the formula, appreciation and acknowledgment. I appreciate where you're coming from. Thank you for the invitation. Hey, I understand this might not have been on purpose, but two, express your truth. I am not available for that. That doesn't work for me. I'm going after other goals right now. Number three, be clear with your needs. I really need us to not have racially charged conversations.

Amber F. (52:52)
I don't want you to ask me about my marital status. Number four, and if that doesn't continue, I'm going to need to leave the room or something like, and I'd love to meet with you, boss, to discuss my priorities, whatever it might be. You might need to compromise a bit. You might need to meet people where they're at. Maybe they have their own shit going on, whether they're being international in your mind and they're maybe dealing with health issues or their own trauma and forming their actions or just for where they're at. And you're allowed to set boundaries. They might not be able to understand the boundaries. And then you get to move forward knowing that you've done your best to express them. On top of that, you have additional opportunities to continue to express your boundaries. Let's look at that Thanksgiving example of making a different plan for Thanksgiving outside of your family. And let's say mom gives you a big guilt trip. Well, after you express the first boundary of, hey, I'm going to make my new traditions on my own with my own family, and she guilt trips you, you get to come back with another boundary statement.

Amber F. (53:49)
Hey, it's hard for me to say this, but I want to be honest with you. When I share my needs with you and then I feel like I'm getting guilt tripped, it makes me really uncomfortable sharing my needs with you. And I really want our relationship to be in a better place, and I want to be able to love the family, but also have my own opportunities. Is that something you're willing to talk about? So when you have something that you bring up and you can anticipate they're going to tell you you're wrong, they're going to shut down or they're going to get angry, you can anticipate it. You can do your part. It's this dance you have to go in, right? You don't want to hurt the relationship. You want to deepen the relationship. Boundaries take maintenance and consistency. And with these scripts, I hope it gives you a good starting place of how to really explore having some of these more difficult conversations. Tim Ferris says, Your amount of success is completely correlated with the number of difficult conversations that you're willing to have, and I could not agree with that more. I'm going to leave you with one hot stock tip, which is actually meant to just release the pressure valve on this.

Amber F. (54:48)
This is a pretty heavy conversation. These are hard conversations to navigate. I hope these scripts help you start to script out how you're going to talk to people about what you need in your life. But I just finished a book that is actually a book about an old money family. It's a fiction book. It's called Pineapple Street. It's really an easy read. The writing is quite good. And it's actually a really interesting case study about classism, about old money families. This one's living in Brooklyn Heights and their heirs to a real estate fortune. And the dynamics between the family, the waspy, brushing things under the rug, this adherence to tradition. And then also how other people can play a role in that. Whether they're not from an old money family, they feel like an outsider. It was a very easy read and it was actually really enjoyable. It's just like an overview study, nothing too heavy, not a thriller, not anything like that. But I felt like the characters in the book towards the end ended up really distributing... No, not distributing. Demonstrating, really good boundary setting of expressing what was important to them and the needs that they had from their family and friends about how they would move forward in honoring those needs.

Amber F. (56:00)
So it's messy at times, and that's part of setting boundaries. It's going to be messy, and it does require sometimes you to be in conflict with other people's ideas. But it's worth it in the end, because when you live an unbothered life, you have to invest less in Botox, you look younger, you feel better, and you embody that type of lifestyle that you really dream of because you don't have your boss pinging you after hours and you can work on your side hustle or your dream project or whatever it is. Our lives are our responsibilities. And if we want to live the lives that we desire, it's going to take some conversations with people in those lives. We don't live in vacuum. So it will take a negotiation, a conversation to continue to carve out the life that we desire for ourselves. And I'm doing it here. I'm doing it with you. If you have any other questions or things you want to talk about, it's Old Money podcast on Instagram or TikTok, oldmoneypodcast@gmail. Com. Thank you for being with me on this podcast, and I will talk to you so very soon. Bye-bye.

Amber F. (57:04)
Feeling rich? I hope so. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Old Money. If you have questions you want answered, email me at oldmoneypodcast@gmail. Com or hit us up on social We are at Old Money Podcast and I am at your service. If this episode spoke to you, inspired you, helped you, if you took a single note, it would mean the world to me. If you could please just take a minute to write and review the podcast. And if you're not doing so already, subscribe and subscribe. And if you have friends who like getting rich, please share this episode with them, even if it's just on your Instagram story. I'd love you more than Jeff Bezos loves Amazon Prime. Thank you so much and I will talk to you on the next episode. Remember, I'm not your lawyer, I'm not your tax professional, and I'm not your financial advisor. The content presented in this podcast is intended to entertain, educate, inspire, and support listeners and their personal and professional development and does not constitute business, financial, or legal advice. In addition to that, this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

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The content presented in this podcast is intended to entertain, educate, inspire and support listeners in their personal and professional development and does not constitute business, financial, or legal advice. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services for which individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services related to the episode.

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